


Appetence

by LolaBleu



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Allegiant alternative ending, Alternate Ending, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-10-28
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2017-12-30 18:11:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1021811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LolaBleu/pseuds/LolaBleu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Blindly, Tobias reaches out for Tris’ hand, willing her to come back. For just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance from those eyes were that were always so alive. He doesn’t care if she doesn’t remember him, he just needs one more second chance. *Allegiant alternative ending - Tris survives the death serum and being shot, but falls victim to the memory serum*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I genuinely don't know what to say. Over the last few weeks I have been absolutely floored both by the renewed interest in my Divergent fic's (especially Three Parts Dead), and the lovely, touching messages so many of you have sent me both here and on my Tumblr asking me to write something new for Tris and Tobias. Hopefully, I'm doing you all justice. I'm not going to lie and say that I was happy with Allegiant (mostly because I've been very open with my criticism of it), so I'm writing this as an alternate ending to it. Right now I'm keeping the rating to "teen", but it could always slip into "mature" territory ;)
> 
> Anyway, I owe a lot of you thanks, not least of which Wee Kraken (her beta-ing keeps my Tobias on-point), and Gray Glube (for trying to keep me on-point with the medical stuff, though I'm sure there are plenty of inaccuracies despite her extensive notes); Safely Away for quite possibly sending me the most message ever (I want to frame it); jandjasalmon, v-ivid-ivy, get-wellcards, goldandglorymade, obsessedagain, theurgewhichensues, thebright-eyedwanderer, miminour, a-imanou, wildwanderwords, redguyiscool, and all the Anon's who encouraged me to write this too.
> 
> This chapter is mostly set up (and writing myself out of plot holes). I'm working on my own stuff, so this is a side project for me, but I will try my hardest to update this weekly. No promises though.
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr at BleuWrites if you're feeling chatty :)

**_Appetence: (n.) A natural attraction or affinity; an eager desire, an instinctive inclination._ **

* * *

Tobias' feet land on the ground with a muffled thump, the snow creating a soft, smothering blanket. The space in front the converted terminal should be thrumming with life; the lack of it makes the space feel creepy-claustrophobic despite the openness, the emptiness pressing in menacingly, and the falling snow hiding monsters dancing around his peripheral vision. He knows this is a good thing, that it means Caleb successfully released the memory serum, but still.

_This isn't right_. The thought twists up his spine, making him shudder and shake. He didn't expect Tris be waiting for him, racing to his arms, not after Caleb's death, but this… absence... isn't right.

He can tell Amar picks up on it too by the way the older man's eyes narrow, scan the area as if looking for a threat. "Where is everyone?" he mutters, moving towards the building, hyper-alert.

Tobias balls his hands into fists to stop them shaking, a cold sweat making him clammy and uncomfortable.  _This is wrong_. His stomach clenches dangerously at the thought that maybe David decided to release the death serum rather than allow the compound's memory to be wiped. Power corrupts, afterall; Tobias knows that better than anyone

They pass through the security checkpoint, and he vaguely registers the looks of shock and awe Zeke and Hana wear, because waiting on the other side is Cara. Her face is badly bruised and her hands are twisting around each other nervously, the skin turning an angry red at the friction. Beneath the bruises and bandages the look on Cara's face sucks all the air out of Tobias' lungs.

"Where's Tris?" Tobias demands.

"I'm so sorry, Tobias. She -"

"Sorry about what?" Christina says roughly. "Tell us what happened!"

"Tris went to weapons lab instead of Caleb," she survived the death serum, and set off the memory serum, but she… she was shot."

Tobias sways on his feet, his world spinning off it's axis. "Where is she?" he demands again, his voice weak.

"She's… she's in the hospital, in surgery. Tobias, I don't know if they can save her," Cara says, her face crumpling as the tears pooling in her eyes spill across her cheeks.

And suddenly, he's running, his feet carrying him towards Tris before his mind can register the impulse that sends him flying. He shouldn't find his way as easily as he does, but in their short time at the Bureau, they've spent too much time here.

When he turns down the hallway that serves the operating theaters he sees Caleb. Alive. Sitting in one of the uncomfortable, utilitarian chairs with his head in his hands. At the sound of Tobias' feet slapping across the linoleum he stands, and even from a distance Tobias can see his eyes widen in fear, his shoulders hunching in protectively. He should be afraid. A second later he's knocked off his feet and Tobias has him pinned to the wall by his throat. "What did you do!?" he screams.

Caleb's mouth works uselessly, trying to find air more than anything else. Tobias' hand tightens even more, the crenulated ridges of Caleb's esophagus pressing into his palm, collapsing under the pressure. He's still screaming, he doesn't even know what, it's all just static white-noise tearing up his throat, raging to get out.

It doesn't stop when he feels Cara and Christina grab at him, wrenching him off Caleb. Tobias' nails leave bloody tracks across Caleb's rapidly bruising neck. While Tobias seethes and struggles, Caleb's half-collapses, hands braced on his knees as he desperately tries to breath again.

"She threatened me," he rasps out. "She had a gun, and said she'd shoot me if I didn't let her go."

"You fucking coward!" Tobias screams at him, Christina's shoulder digging into her sternum as he tries to lunge at Caleb and finish what he started.

"She had a  _gun_. What was I supposed to do?" Caleb shouts back.

"Die. That's what you were supposed to do," Christina snaps. Her Candor honesty has always been her greatest weapon, and Caleb recoils as her words hit him.

"Do you really expect any of us to believe that the sister who insisted we spring you from jail would shoot you?" Tobias scoffs, his voice sarcastic and cruel. "I should have put a bullet in your head that night in the alley."

"If it wasn't for me she'd be dead right now," Caleb says, his voice shaking too much to project the false bravado he's trying so hard to convey. "She was dead when I found her.  _Dead_. And if I wasn't there to perform CPR she still would be."

"What the _hell_  is going on out here!?" a bulky male nurse demands, bursting out of one of the swinging doors that line the hallway and ripping away the mask that covers his mouth and nose. His hands are covered in blood and it smears a line down his cheek.

"Family dispute," Christina says dryly.

The nurse looks between Tobias held fast by Christina and Cara, and Caleb looking battered and guilty with narrowed eyes. "You," he points at Caleb, "go down to the Emergency Room and get yourself looked at. And _you_ ," he turns to Tobias, his pointed finger threatening. "Calm down or I'll strap you down and give you so much peace serum you'll be singing show tunes for the next month."

"Do you have Tris in there?" Tobias asks hastily, straining at people holding him back for a different reason now. "Beatrice Prior. Is she in there?"

"Yes, she is. And you can't come in, so don't even try," he snaps, crossing his arms and standing up straight, the breath of his chest forming an insurmountable barrier between Tobias and Tris.

He waits until Caleb scurries out of sight and Tobias give him a curt nod of assent before disappearing back into the room he came from.

Tobias and Christina drop into the chairs against one wall, defeated, while Cara seats herself in a chair opposite them. The whole thing has the feel of an inquisition, and considering the question Christina levels at her dead boyfriend's sister, that's just about right. "Tell us what happened. All of it. Now," she huffs at Cara, stony faced.

"I think…," Cara starts and cuts off, looking guiltily at her shoes. "I  _know_  this is my fault, partially, anyway."

When neither Tobias nor Christina say anything in response, she continues, telling them about her botched attempt at dosing the control room workers with peace serum, thus setting off the emergency lockdown. Her story gets vague and confused as to how exactly Tris ended up being the one going to the weapons lab since she had to hear it second hand from Caleb and Matthew, and at the time they were more focused on breathing life back into Tris' body than giving Cara a detailed account of how the plans changed.

"I'm not trying to be rude," Cara cautions, "and I know I don't know Tris as well as either of you, but any idiot can see that she hates watching people suffering when she can stop it. What were you thinking, leaving her here with Caleb?" she questions desperately.

"Don't you think the right time to point that out would have been before we left?" Tobias shoots back, visibly bristling at the accusation that he failed to protect Tris from herself.

"Stop it. Both of you," Christina says, cutting off their argument before it can get started. "It happened. It's done. Yelling at each other doesn't change anything."

The silence that falls between them is heavy, and in the absence of talk Tobias' mind wanders down paths he wishes it wouldn't, not least of which being that what he thought when he left Tris was that he could finally, finally, trust her to stay alive. It makes anger spark inside of him; little frissons of electricity that arc across his conscience making his hands ball into fists and his teeth clench so tightly it makes his jaw ache.

He doesn't want to go down that path. Not now, not ever again, really, though he knows he'll have to at some point. Just not tonight. Not with Tris laying on an operating table, her life hanging by a thread. And that thought stops him short. "Should those doctors be working on her?" he asks worriedly, remembering what a big dumb puppy Peter turned into after taking the memory serum.

"They didn't seem affected by the memory serum," Cara shrugs, worrying her lip. "I think they're inoculated against it, but you'll have to ask Matthew about that."

"Where is he?"

"In there with Tris," Cara says, nodding towards the swinging door, before holding her hands up defensively at the look on Tobias' face. "I don't know why he's allowed in there and you're not; maybe he has some medical training or something."

"It worked though?" Christina questions. "Tris released the serum?"

"Oh, yes, there's no doubt about that," Cara replies distractedly, lost in her thoughts once again.

"Well at least something went right," Christina mutters, swiping a hand across her face.

They descend into silence again. Tobias can feel it scraping across his nerves, shredding them piece by piece. He gets up to pace for lack of anything better to do, chewing his nails until he tastes blood. All it does is remind him of Tris during initiation. He's just passing the swinging door for what might well be the hundredth time when it opens and almost smacks him in the face. He expects to come face-to-face with same burly male nurse from earlier, but instead, it's Matthew, looking thoroughly exhausted, but exquisitely relieved.

Before he can get a word out another man emerges, pulling off his little cotton cap to reveal salt-and-pepper hair framing his haggard face. "You're Tris' friends?" he asks tiredly.

"Family," Tobias corrects him shortly.

"Right," he says, eyeing Tobias warily. "Has anyone told you about her injuries?"

"No," Tobias, Christina, and Cara say in unison.

The doctor starts prattling on in medical language only Cara seems to fully comprehend, but it still sounds like a horror story to Tobias. Certain phrases sound out: "perforated small intestine" and "ruptured appendix" and "collapsed lung". It seems almost comical when the doctor adds that Tris has a few broken ribs on top of it all from Caleb too aggressively compressing her chest while administering CPR. Still, it's the collapsed lung that worries everyone the most; if she gets an infection there it will kill her quick.

By the time the doctor finishes Tobias can barely breath and has to fight the urge to vomit up his stomach contents all over the doctor's shoes. He leans against the wall, trying to will air into his lungs and his world to stop collapsing around him. He hears Christina ask the doctor when they can see Tris, but her voice sounds far away and muffled.

This wasn't supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to live their life a literal heartbeat away from death once they left the city. They were supposed to have a future together, a life together, a - "Hey," Matthew interrupts before Tobias' emotions can spiral out of control. "I know this isn't the best time, but there's something else."

"Oh God, what now?" Tobias groans. He's not sure how much more of this he can take before he breaks completely.

Matthew looks at him appraisingly. "When's the last time you guys ate?"

"I'm not hungry," Tobias says dismissively. His stomach's about the size of a walnut, and he knows anything he puts into it is just going to come back up.

"Coffee then. You look like you're about to drop. C'mon," he urges with the gentle hand on Tobias arm that gets thrown off in a moment of irritated petulance. Matthew sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "They still have to clean her up and take her to the ICU, we've got a minute."

"Fine," Tobias snaps.

They shuffle off down the hallway, Tobias looking back to the door he knows Tris is behind every few steps until the turn the corner and find a small alcove with a coffee machine. Christina wipes away her tears and clutches the cup Matthew hands her like it's a lifeline.

"What happened?" Tobias asks. He doesn't know if he'll ever stop asking that question.

Matthew shakes his head. "We split up during the lockdown. I created a diversion and Tris and Caleb ran off to the weapons lab. I don't know what happened after that, just that when I was able to slip away I found Tris bleeding out, and Caleb trying to resuscitate her. People were already dropping from the memory serum by then."

"How do you and Caleb still have your memories?" Tobias tries to keep the accusation out of his voice, and fails. Matthew shrugs it off.

"When they were testing the vaccine I was one of the test subjects. I've been inoculated for years. I don't know about Caleb, you'll have to ask him. But that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Tris was exposed to it."

"So?"

" _So_ , she wasn't inoculated," Matthew says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"She's Divergent. She survived the _death serum_  and no one's ever done that before," Christina says, exasperated. "If she can survive that…"

"This is different. I'm not going to pretend to know exactly how it works, but it's more than being Divergent. It's a force of will that allows her - and probably you too, Tobias - to resist the serums."

Tobias turns the idea over in his mind. The only serum that's ever had an effect on Tris was the peace serum, and hadn't he told her at the time that it wasn't that she  _couldn't_  resist it, but that she didn't  _want to_  resist it? Being unable to muster any resistance…

"Caleb said she was dead though," Cara says, shooting Tobias an apologetic look for using that word. "Without any brain activity would it even have an effect?" she asks hurriedly, getting the worst of it over with as quickly and painlessly as possible.

"Maybe," he shrugs. "As I said Caleb knows more about this than I do, but it's a medical fact that brain activity can continue for minutes after the heart stops. She released the serum, it would only take a few seconds after that for people to start breathing it in."

"But we can… "reprogram" her or whatever you call when she wakes up right?" Christina asks.

"I don't know. Maybe," Matthew hedges. "Normally we have a few hours after exposure where the subjects mind is… suggestible. Tris was in surgery during that time though, under anesthesia."

"So if she wakes up and doesn't remember anything, we just give her another dose and fix her, right?"

Matthew pinches the bridge of his nose like he's willing away a headache. Tobias can't blame him, Christina can be insufferable sometimes. "It's not that easy. If you give a person too many doses of memory serum too close together they lose brain function and they never get it back. In the early testing phase of the vaccine - when it still didn't work - they turned a group of test subjects into drooling, shitting vegetables from exposing them to the memory serum too often."

Christina looks faintly sick at the revelation. "You're surprised?" Tobias scoffs.

"No, I guess not," she concedes.

"She's still got us though. Even if she doesn't remember we can help her," Cara says optimistically, a determined glint in her eye.

"And the Bureau recordings from the cameras around Chicago, so we can show her those," Christina adds.

"Not everything," Tobias says abruptly, thinking of all the deaths that have surrounded them in the last few months.

"Why not?" Cara says, her voice suddenly hard and furious.

"She's already lived through that grief once."

"And I have to live with it every day. I don't have a brother anymore because she shot him," Cara says, taking a step closer to Tobias, challenging him.

"She didn't kill your brother, Jeanine Matthews did."

"Enough!" Christina yells. "We don't even know if the memory serum affected her, so can we just… not. Not tonight, not until we know."

"Fine," Cara mutters, violently throwing her empty paper cup in the trash and walking away.

"They should have Tris in a room by now," Matthew says and then throws back the rest of his coffee. "Ugh, that's foul," he grimaces.

As they make their way through the hospital they have to navigate around groups of people standing idly in hallways and slumped in chairs, in sharp contrast to how they move, with purpose, fully in control of their faculties. It reminds Tobias of his question from earlier. "The medical staff… they weren't affected by the serum?" he asks quietly, his eyes shifting to Matthew who walks beside him.

"No, they're 'essential staff'. They were inoculated in case there was a lab accident or something."

"What about David? Is he 'essential staff'? Tobias asks, making air-quotes with his fingers.

"He thought so," Matthew says with a wry smile. "I might have switched out his serum. You'd be amazed what you can do with some saline solution and a little food coloring."

"Nice," Tobias says approvingly, a small smile tugging up his lips.

The Intensive Care Unit is really one large room. In the middle is the nurses station and along the walls are rooms with glass fronts so whoever is on duty has an unobstructed view of the patients. The entire place smells like disinfectant and feels ghostly, as if the presence of those who died here linger in some way. Tobias hates it. Hates everything it implies and hates that Tris is here. Since she's the only patient though, she not hard to find, and when they do they all stop short.

Tris is small and pale and waxy looking as the nurses hook her up to a bevy of machines, the doctor following behind, double-checking things, presumably. She's laid mostly bare so they can do what they need to do, and once the shock of seeing her so broken wears off, Christina grabs Matthew by the elbow and pulls him out of the room with her. She might have no problem with nudity, but she knows with Tris's Abnegation upbringing she wouldn't want anyone but Tobias seeing her this way if it can be helped.

Tobias edges closer to the bed, hovering uncertainly, and waiting for someone to tell him to he's in the way, or to stop his hands once he starts inconspicuously flicking at the sheets, trying to keep Tris as covered as possible. He understands little of what they're doing, but he's stricken when they hook up the heart rate monitor and it starts beeping wildly. It reminds him of the fear simulations and all he can think is that Tris is scared and this is real, not some simulation that she can control and pull herself out of.

For all his control he chokes on a sob, and the nurse who's adjusting the tube coming out of Tris' chest looks up at him with sympathetic eyes. "It a side-effect of the collapsed lung," she says quietly.

"What?" Tobias asks stupidly.

"Her heart beating so fast, it's a side-effect of the collapsed lung. She's not afraid."

It takes Tobias a minute to put the pieces together through his stupor. "You were Dauntless?"

"Mmmhmm," she hums as she places IV lines in Tris' arm. "And Divergent. The Bureau pulled me at out about… oh… seven years ago now."

For some reason it makes Tobias feel better, like he has an ally in this room, and all the questions that he had been holding back for fear of sounding like an obnoxious child come spilling out. She explains to him about the chest tube, how it pulls excess air (and blood and pus) out of her chest cavity so Tris' lung can expand properly. Tobias winces as they insert a ventilator tube down her throat, even though the nurse explains it's a good thing; it's breathing for her. She even explains how the funny little blood oxygen monitor clipped to Tris' finger works.

The only question he doesn't get a satisfactory answer to is the one he aims at the doctor. "How long will she have to be hooked up to all this?" Tobias asks, waving at the machines sustaining Tris.

"Hard to say," he answers noncommittally. "Right now she's stable, and hopefully she stays that way. But the longer we have to support her lung the higher the risk of infection."

The reminder is like a punch to the gut, and Tobias ducks his chin to his chest, squeezing his eyes tightly closed, fighting off tears once again.

"Only one of you can stay with her overnight, but you can each have a few minutes alone with her before I enforce that rule," the nurse says kindly, slipping from the room. A minute later Tobias followers her out, and motions Christina inside. The nurse makes a point of looking busy at her station and Tobias and Matthew go to stand in front of one of the empty rooms, giving Tris and Christina as much privacy as the space will allow.

Tobias can't hear what she says, if she says anything at all, but a few minutes later she walks out of the room, furiously wiping at her eyes and not bothering to say goodbye to either of them.

"Do you want to…," Tobias extends his hand towards the door to Tris' room in offering.

Matthew considers him for a moment and then shakes his head. "No. I'll talk to her tomorrow when she's actually awake," he says with a stoic sort of optimism Tobias wishes he himself could embrace at the moment.

After he leaves Tobias takes a deep, bracing breath, preparing himself for going back into Tris' room. It doesn't help, not really. His throat still constricts at the sight of her; his stomach still twists itself into knots; his vision still burns and blurs. He can't breath, but he doesn't mind that so much since he can't smell the dried blood streaked in her hair as he leans over and gently presses his lips to her forehead.

"Hi, Six." He barely gets the words out, and when her eyes don't flutter open to take him in, and her hand doesn't reach up to stroke his cheek, and her lips don't move to tell him not to worry, he can't hold back the tears anymore.

Blindly, he reaches out for her hand, willing her to come back. For just one more kiss, one more word, one more glance from those eyes were that were always so alive. He doesn't care if she doesn't remember him, he just needs one more second chance.

Eventually his tears stop, but he never lets go of her hand. Even if he wanted to sleep he couldn't. The machines make too much noise, especially the ventilator, which emits a high, terrifying noise every time Tris' breathing falls out of sync with the machine as she tries to do it on her own and the pressure gets too high.

"She's a stubborn one, isn't she?" the nurse asks with a smirk as she checks Tris over.

"Yeah, she is," Tobias says thickly.

It's got to be around dawn that he he feels Caleb enter the room. Tobias doesn't need to look at him; doesn't want to, and doesn't trust himself to. "Get. Out," he says through gritted teeth.

There a moment of absolute silence before Caleb says, "Fine. But I'm coming back. I'm her brother." Tobias would be impressed that he had the gall to say that if he didn't hate him so much.

He's just crossing the threshold when Tobias' words stop him. "If Matthew's right about her memory, she won't remember you."

"She won't remember you either," Caleb points out.

"Yeah, but I'll be around to remind her, you won't," Tobias says flatly, the threat implicit.

Nurses, doctors, friends, they all come and go. Christina gives him updates on Zeke and Hana. Matthew lets him know more government officials - ones higher up the bureaucratic food chain - are on their way to investigate what exactly happened at the compound. Cara brings him food he doesn't eat, but he prefers her company since she doesn't feel the need to fill the silence.

It's after lunch and he's alone again when Tris starts showing signs of life; making little noises and fingers twitching against the sheets. Soon enough she's moving more and Tobias is pretty sure the smile on his face makes him look like a simpleton, but he doesn't care. It's abruptly wiped away though when Tris starts scrabbling stupidly at the ventilator tube. He stills her hand, and look over his shoulder, eyes wild, about to yell for help, but the day-shift nurse is already on her feet.

She pushes him out of her way, and is joined by the doctor a few minutes later. Tobias leans against the wall, eyes trained on whatever part of Tris he can see between bodies as he chews on his nails. Finally, it's decided to take the ventilator tube out.

Even though they're gentle Tris moans and gags around the tube as they pull it out, and weakly, her eyes flutter open for a second. The doctor speak too loudly, telling her to lie still, that she's okay and the tube will be out soon. It's not reassuring to him, and he doubts it's reassuring to her, so without thinking he moves closer to the bed so she can see him, hoping to calm her.

He takes an elbow to the stomach for his troubles, but it's worth it because the next time her eyes open, she meets his gaze. It's brief and fleeting, and her eyes are heavy with the morphine they're using to control her pain, but they open, they take him in, hold his gaze longer than when she was fighting the nurses.

_One glance_. For today, it's enough.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU! I'm so floored and flattered by your response that I feel a little guilty for posting this chapter since it's the last of the set-up I need for the rest of it and doesn't do much to advance the plot. It is the calm before the storm though, especially since the next chapter Evelyn really makes her presence know. Comments are kudos are the best incentive to keep writing, so let me know what you think, and if you're feeling especially chatty you can find me on tumblr at BleuWrites :)

Tris isn't sure if the nothingness is the beginning or the end, just that the all consuming blackness of sensory deprivation is what happens after the burning stops and she welcomes it sweetly. There's nothing to taste, or touch, or smell; no light to add illumination. There's nothing to feel, but trading any pleasure she might experience for the overwhelming pain she does experience seems like a bargain.

Sleep unfurls through her veins, lapping at her like waves; gentle and coaxing. Her whole body exhales at it's embrace.

xxxx

Slowly, it fades into something else. A different place, the darkness lightening in degrees to the gunmetal gray of a stormy day. She's warm and comfortable, like being burrowed in a nest of downy feathers and cotton washed into soft submission. She's content here too, the kind of contentment that comes with knowing you're someplace safe, where you're loved and protected.  _That_  has more to do with the weight anchoring her hand than anything else though, she thinks.

xxxx

_Limbo._

_Purgatory._

Tris knows the words, the concept, how it's defined in the dictionary or explained in the Bible. But it's one thing to know, and another thing to see.

Maybe not see so much as experience because there isn't much to see, per se, it's just the misty gray of a foggy morning, shifting and silvery as it wraps around her sinuously. But there is a lot to experience.

She can hear voices. At first they're quiet, half imagined, and she could be mistaken; it could just be wind rushing through grass playing tricks on her ears. It gets closer and clearer and she gets surer and soon enough she can pick up snatches of conversations. Mundane things. Confusing things. Fragments of questions, and slivers of answers. They're all precious to her. She wants to hold them close, nuzzle against them like the fur of some well-loved pet.

She can feel too. The hand wrapped around hers is ever-present, but sometimes it's accompanied by other touches, lover-like touches accompanied by lover-like words that make her heart stumble in her chest, girlish and giddy, even though they sometimes want to make her cry too because the pain in them is so evident.

It doesn't last long, but Tris thinks this is the part she likes best.

Still, she feels disconnected from it, and it makes her wonder if this is what it's like to be a ghost, to be in the world but not a part of it, like she so desperately wants to be. But it takes so much effort and her body feels slack and heavy and she can't fathom the words she needs let alone how to speak them. There are moments where it feels desperately important to do so, but then things spin away, thoughts like leaves dancing away in a gust of wind.

Her mouth goes dry at what she knows is coming.

xxxx

The air tastes like death, hot and ashy, and it hurts Tris' lungs to breathe it in. She chokes and gags and coughs but it still feels like desiccating her body from the inside out and really, she just wants the cool mist from before because she knows this only going to get worse, and the only way out is through.

Soon, through the haze of ash and smoke, a skyline takes shape. Big buildings shoulder up the horizon until they crumble and collapse in the shriek of metal and shatter of glass. The voices from before are there, but they're immediate, insistent. Buzzing in her ears like a swarm, one cuts through it though, calling out to her above the din. She whirls around searching for the source of it, all the while knowing it's not as close as it seems.

She has to go into the city, into the fray, even if she doesn't want to because this is no place for the living and she's the only one there to lead whoever it is out.

She ignores the singed pieces of paper and cloth in the smoke and ash cycloning around her because that means people and people mean bodies and she doesn't want to think about how she's probably breathing in cremated remains. She thought the phrase "Hell on earth" was just hyperbole, but if it exists, it's this. She stumbles her way down streets clogged with smouldering detritus, searching for the ever elusive voice.

A few more feet, surely, and she'll find the owner. Maybe just around another turn, or hiding hunched in a doorway, seeking shelter. Her heart races and it's getting harder and harder to breathe, but she keeps running, searching, frantic; time is running out.

That's when she sees it, the hand coming down out of the sky; ghost or god she's not quite sure. The fingers elongate, reaching into the landscape, and though the hand is barely more substantial than the smoke, whatever it touches falls.

Tris can't move as it sweeps closer and closer, so she closes her eyes and tries to will it away, the panicked chant of  _no no no_  resonating in her head, pushing everything else out. The fingers wrap around her, into her, insinuating their way into her chest to writhe, serpentine and burning.

The only thing she can hear is the sound of her own voice, screaming.

xxxx

Tris is still panting when she opens her eyes to find the white fluorescent lights swimming above her where she lays. The ceiling swirls sickeningly and she feels the swoop and roll of vertigo nausea in her stomach, like the floor just dropped out from under her. She always forgets to look over instead of up, and the only reason she makes the effort for the former is because the sickness from the latter is worse.

And _he_  is there, like always. Tris doesn't have a name to go with the face, doesn't know who he is or why here's here, just that he is, and his constancy is a comfort to her. Sometimes he's asleep, head pillowed on his arms next to her on the bed, her hand tucked against his cheek. Most times though he's awake, watching her with deep blue eyes, cloaked in an ever shifting shroud of emotion that moves so rapidly it's hard for her to decipher.

There are other people too sometimes, ones who poke and prod at her and she doesn't like it, but he rubs his thumb over her knuckles and that feels good and eventually she slips back into the blackness once again.

* * *

"They're getting ready to, you know, with Uriah," Matthew says awkwardly as he takes the empty chair next to Tobias.

Tobias grunts noncommittally in response.

"You should go," Matthew prods. "I'll stay here with Tris."

"I'm not sure I'd be welcome there," Tobias mumbles. He doesn't know how he can face Zeke. It was bad enough having to confess to his part in circumstances that led to this, but having to watch Zeke and Hana - two people who have always treated him like family - as they pull the plug on their son and brother because of something he did? Unfathomable.

"Look, Christina's waiting for you in the hallway, and I got the impression that if she has to drag you out of here she will, so you might as well just go."

"Why?" Tobias asks suspiciously.

Matthew shrugs. "I don't know. I didn't really know Uriah so I didn't think it was my place to ask."

Tobias can't help feeling this is some sort of trap. But if Zeke and Hana want to rub his face in the mess he made and punish him for it, he figures he owes them that much. What really decides him though, is that Tris would want him to go.

"Yeah, okay," Tobias says, scrubbing at his face with his free hand. "They just gave her another dose of painkillers so she'll be out for a while, but if anything happens you come and get me immediately." The tone of his voice lets Matthew know it's not a request, it's an order.

He leans over the bed, putting his lips right to Tris' ear. "I have to go for a few minutes," he whispers, "to say goodbye to Uriah. I don't know if you remember him, but if you don't, he always treated you like the brother you deserved, and you love him. You'd want me to be there since you can't be." By the time he finishes speaking his throat is raw with pain.

"Do you think she knows we're here?" Matthew questions, looking at Tris contemplatively as he reaches out to take her hand from Tobias.

"I don't know. Maybe. I like to think she can at least feel me, but even if she can't, I can feel her," Tobias says cryptically before pecking a kiss to her cheek and walking out.

But a few minutes turns into nearly an hour a half, mostly because Evelyn arrives and he lets her coax him into the cafeteria for some lunch. By the time he gets back he's nervous and irritable, emotions that shift to fearful anticipation as soon as he sees the doctor hovering over Tris' bed. "How is she?" Tobias asks.

"Stable," the doctor says indifferently.

Tobias can't help being a little crestfallen at that. Not that it's not good news - it is -, but it's the same answer he's gotten twice a day for the last two days. He suspects the doctor would answer any of his questions, but the problem is, Tobias doesn't know what to ask. Usually, he gets his updates from Regina, the night nurse who was first on duty when they brought Tris here. She actually offers information instead of making Tobias riddle it out.

"I think it's time we start tapering off her painkillers," he adds. It's the first bit of information he's willingly volunteered.

"So she'll be awake then?"

"She'll be groggy and drugged, but more aware than she has been, yes." And with that, he clips Tris' medical chart at the end of her bad and walks out.

For the first time in two days Tobias actually feels like he can breathe again.

"We made you something, Cara and I," Matthew says, pulling out a tablet like the one Tris read Natalie's file on from the bag resting at his feet. "Hopefully you won't need it, but just in case we made a kind of scrapbook for Tris, to remind her. It only covers until the end of Dauntless initiation. We didn't want to overwhelm her with too much at first."

"I -," Tobias cuts off before thinking better of what he was going to say. "Thank you," he says instead.

xxxx

Since he's got nothing better to do than watch and wait once Matthew leaves Tobias slides his chair as close to Tris' bed as he possibly can, knees pressed painfully into the metal struts underneath, and arms steepled on the bed, her hand clasped firmly between his. "Uriah died this morning," Tobias says quietly. "It was just as awful as I expected, worse because David was there, and I kinda made a scene. Evelyn had to pull me off of him, actually," he says, abashed, though it's silly because Tris is still out cold.

"It's nice, having her back. Weird because she tries to mother me and I don't know how to deal with that, but it's still nice. She's leaving Chicago, probably going to go to Milwaukee, though she's hanging around until you're awake so I'm not so alone here." Tobias can't help the small smile that turns up his lips at the gesture. It was unexpected and he's too used to dealing with things on his own, so he made an ass out of himself thanking her for it, but he can't deny that it's nice having someone there worrying and hovering and being maternal.

It's still very new, but they're both making an effort to shrug off the pall Marcus cast over them. "I know you two haven't always gotten along, but I think she understands now, about us, that this is permanent." He falters a little at that because what if it's not? What if Tris wakes up and doesn't remember him and doesn't love him and can't love him again? What then? Tobias pushes the thoughts away. She loved him once and if she doesn't remember he'll remind her, and that's the end of it.

"I saw Caleb today," he says suddenly, remembering. "He said that you wanted him to tell me that you didn't want to leave me," he whispers. "I still don't understand why you did." He goes quiet for a long time, wondering what it is about him that just isn't enough, why the women he loves always leave him. "This could be a second chance, you know," he says more to himself than to Tris. "To do things differently - better."

xxxx

Tris is fitful. Still too weak to really thrash around, but she twitches and shifts and moans and mumbles. All that is okay, a good thing actually because it means the drugs are wearing off. What isn't okay is her persistent fumbling at her arm where the IV lines are attached.

"We're going to have to restrain her if she doesn't knock it off," Regina grumbles, rechecking the lines for the third time in an hour.

"No," Tobias says harshly. "We're not tying her down."

Regina looks at him quizzically.

"Sorry… just, bad memories," Tobias sighs gustily, his anger deflating.

"Seriously, what the hell went on in Chicago before you guys came here?"

Other than learning her name and that she was from Dauntless, the only other thing Tobias knows about Regina is that she might be the only person in the compound completely oblivious to their tragic love story.

"Why did you never watch the video feeds?" Tobias asks cautiously.

"It was hard to leave everyone behind. I had a life there - family and friends," she says slowly. "When I first got here all I wanted to do was go back, bring them here, but that wasn't possible. It hurt too much to watch them grieve for me." Regina makes a show of checking the fluid levels of the bags attached to the IV lines, but it's mostly so she doesn't have to look at Tobias while she talks. "It hurt too much to watch them move on, so I didn't. And after a while I got afraid of what I'd see if I did. You know, after three years did my boyfriend move on and fall in love again; get married and have kids. I can't deal with that. It's better living with my memories and possibilities than reality."

Tobias doesn't miss the switch from the past to present tense, so he lets the conversation drop. He feels bad when Regina walks out, chewing her lip and looking troubled.

Tris' hand twitches to her opposite elbow once again, and Tobias grabs it, holding it firm. "Can't really blame her, can you?" he murmurs to Tris like he expects a response.

Mercifully, Tris relaxes, goes still, and Tobias decides to rest; just for a few minutes, he tells himself. And after two days not really sleeping, he drops off quickly, the gurgle of the water seal on her chest tube oddly hypnotizing. Pillowing his head on Tris' bed with the rest of him still mostly upright in the chair isn't the most comfortable he's ever been in his life, but his exhausted body doesn't seem to care.

Of course the nightmares start immediately. And it makes him wonder if his deepest instinct isn't obsessive, but masochistic. It makes him wonder if his brain is so wired for pain rather than pleasure that even in sleep his psyche has to torture him because even the nonsensical stuff that slips in between memories and fear landscape hallucination is frightening. Eventually he ends up back in his father's closet. In some recess of his brain he realizes this isn't real, that now he knows how he can break out, and he gets the incentive to do so when Tris' voice calls out to him - the timber and tone just right; it feels like years since he's heard it.

 _Tobias you have to wake up now._  Tris' voice is sweet, gentle and insistent, and he kicks at the wall closing in on him.

 _Tobias wake up_ , she calls again, and the wood starts splintering, but not breaking, not fast enough anyway.

 _Wake up, Tobias_. The longer this goes on the more panicked her voice becomes and harder Tobias kicks. He can see light streaming through the cracks he's making, but still, the terror nesting in his chest starts to unfurl, wrapping itself around his heart painfully.

 _WAKE UP!_  she yells at him.

Tobias jerks awake, Tris' hand falling away from where it was tucked against his cheek. His whole body aches and his eyes feel like someone has rubbed sand into them. He's sure he hasn't slept for more than an hour, and all he can think is that he can't wait until they move Tris into a recovery room so there will be space enough for him to set up a cot.

He blinks away the blurriness in his eyes, looking down at his watch to confirm what he already knows, and looks up to find Tris watching him; not the fleeting glances he has been getting since the anesthesia wore off, but actually watching him. Her eyes are wet and heavy and lack the usual luster they normally contain. He knows there's no way she was really yelling at him, but there's a certain satisfaction in the way he is still so attuned her to despite everything, that somehow he still knows when she needs him.

She blinks, slow like syrup, and mumbles something.

The chair clatters to the ground in his haste to get to her, suddenly more awake than he's ever been in his life. "What?" Tobias asks, his voice shaky.

She mumbles unintelligibly again and leans closer, putting his ear right to her lips. "You need to shave," she breathes out, her breath tangy and sour.

It's so absurd, her laying in intensive care, hooked up to all kinds of machines, her body recovering from what could easily have been mortal wounds and the first thing out of her mouth is 'you need to shave'.

Tobias can't help chuckling and it comes out watery, but a lazy, amused smile turns up the corner of her lips at his reaction to her teasing, and it's so normal for them that he gives into the hope that maybe the memory serum had no effect on her. "Yeah, I guess I do," he says softly. All he wants to do is kiss her, but he's been over this and over this and over this in his mind, and until he is a hundred percent sure that she remembers him he will hold back. It would be terrifying to wake up and in the hospital, let alone to some strange man she has no memory of forcing himself on her.

Before he can ask her if she knows where she is, if she remembers how she got here, if she remembers  _him_ , Regina and doctor-on-call breeze into the room. Tris' eyes release him sliding away and struggling to focus on the newcomers as they greet her.

The doctor rounds the side of the bed and leans over, flashing a small light in Tris' eyes that makes her squint and cringe, and as has been his habit over the last few days, Tobias holds Tris' hand tighter, rubs his thumb across her knuckles, trying to reassure her with his touch alone.

"Hello, Beatrice," the doctor says altogether too loudly. "Do you know where you?"

"Hospital," is her weak reply.

"That's right, the hospital. Do you remember which one?" she continues in the same tone.

"She's not deaf," Tobias snaps, irritated at their intrusion as much as the way she's talking down to Tris. The doctor doesn't even acknowledge him.

Tris shakes her head though Tobias can tell it's an effort for her. "You're in the hospital at the Bureau of Genetic Purity. Do you remember how you got here?"

Tris is silent for a moment and if her brow wasn't furrowed in confusion Tobias would think she'd slipped back into unconsciousness. "No," she finally says, her eyes worried when she opens them again.

"That's normal," the doctor says soothingly. "How do you feel?"

"My chest hurts."

"That's because you were shot. You had to have surgery and you've been in the intensive care unit for the last two days. You're safe now, okay?"

"Okay."

"One last question and then you can rest, alright? Do you recognize your friend here?" she asks, nodding towards Tobias.

Tobias would be sure he could hear a pin drop if his own heart wasn't thundering in his ears. Vaguely he registers that Tris' heart rate monitor is beeping more insistently, that her heart is thrumming in time with his.

"No," she answers after a long moment. For the space of a second Tobias feels his heart fracturing, but the panic overtaking Tris' features reminds him that she needs him to be strong right now whether she remembers him or not.

The doctor starts to say something, but Tobias cuts her off. "It's okay if you don't remember, that's why I'm here; to remind you," he says reassuringly, leaning over her so her eyes can focus on him and holding their clasped hands against his heart. It's such a tender, comforting gesture that Tris seems to relax immediately.

"Tomorrow, when you're feeling stronger, we'll move you to a recovery room," the doctor says, removing her exam gloves with an elastic snap, but Tobias is barely paying any attention to her.

Once they're alone again Tobias picks up his fallen chair, once again shoving it as close to Tris' bed as he can. He's sure when he actually finds the willpower to leave her side and take a shower his knees are going to be black and blue from constantly banging against the bed frame.

Tris' eyes are heavy, and he can tell she's fighting with everything to keep them open, watching him. "How come I don't remember you?" she asks, her voice faint with exhaustion but determined.

"I'll explain everything tomorrow," he says, reaching out to card the fingers of his free hand through her hair. It's greasy and tangled, but neither of them seem to care. "Right now you need to sleep. I'll still be here when you wake up," he vows, and it's all she needs to drop off into a deep slumber.


	3. Chapter 3

The dining hall at the Bureau isn't all that different from Dauntless, Tobias thinks. Lots of people, lots of food, lots of talk. And cake, there's that too, though it's spongy and yellow and Tobias pokes at it with his fork disdainfully. He probably would have devoured it greedily before he transferred, but now it's just… lacking; a pitiful counterpart to the robust beef and sharp chedder of his cheeseburger. As he reaches for the ketchup he's hit by a dizzying wave of deja vu.

Tris handled her first introduction to Dauntless better than he did. Then again she had already bonded with Christina in the short time they knew each other, just like she has this time around. Christina was the first person other than himself that he allowed to visit Tris, banking on the idea that maybe the people she had the best memories of would do something to undo the damage of the memory serum. It didn't work that way, but despite not remembering Christina she and Tris are becoming fast friends again. So much so that Tobias feels comfortable leaving them alone together, which he has yet to do with anyone else.

"I thought you'd be happy to have some real food instead of that gruel they serve in the hospital," Evelyn comments lightly, drawing Tobias out of his busy mind and back to the dining hall.

"It's fine - good," he amends. "I miss Dauntless cake though."

"When I was pregnant with you I craved nothing so much as Erudite soda. I used to mix cola syrup and ice water. Wasn't quite the same," she says with a small wistful smile.

"Isn't that what you used to give me when I had a stomach ache?" Tobias asks, his nose scrunching up at the memory.

"Well it worked didn't it?"

"Yeah, but it was still disgusting," he chuckles. The sound dies in his throat as he catches sight of Zeke walking in. It's the first time he's seen him since the day Uriah died, and he looks about as good as Tobias would if Tris had died.

Tobias tries to keep his eyes glued to the tabletop, but they keep flickering up to his friend -  _former friend_ , he reminds himself. He half expects Zeke to stalk through the tables, to drag him off the bench and beat him in the middle of the cafeteria just like he did to Marcus. Tobias can't help feeling he'd deserve it if Zeke did.

"It's not your fault, what happened to that boys brother," Evelyn says quietly.

"I don't want to talk about it," Tobias says harshly because it is. Maybe he's not as directly responsible for Uriah's death as he was for the guards he killed getting himself, Tris, and Peter out of Erudite, but he certainly had a hand in Uriah's death.

"Are you done?" he asks brusquely, wanting nothing more than to flee from the guilt he feels. "I'll walk you back to your room." Tobias crams the last of his food in his mouth though it's suddenly tasteless and dry and sticks unpleasantly in his throat and rises to his feet.

"Do you actually plan on sleeping in the dormitory tonight or are you going to camp out in Tris' room again?" she asks, joining him as they make their way to the door.

Her tone isn't as disapproving as it could be, but there's still something about it that doesn't sit right, something he can't quite put his finger on. "No," he says slowly. "She's still waking up at night. I think it's better if I stay with her."

Evelyn shrugs her shoulders as if to say  _suit yourself_ , and let's the subject drop. They're just passing into the lobby with it's indoor garden and giant stone sculpture when he meets Christina. "Is she asleep already?" Tobias questions once he's close enough, stealing a glance at his watch. It's early, but the nurses and doctors have insisted Tris get up out of bed and walk a little. It's making her more tired than usual, he supposes.

"Oh, no," Christina says nervously. "Caleb stopped by; they're talking about their parents and I didn't want to intrude." Tobias pushes his way past her, annoyed. Christina latches on to his arm, swinging him around. "Don't," she says sharply. "They're just talking, he's not going to do anything to her."

"I don't trust him," Tobias hisses.

"He's her family, Tobias," Evelyn says softly, persuasively. "I'm not saying he didn't make mistakes - I would never say that -, but he's trying to make it right, make better choices. Sometimes people deserve a second chance, don't you think?"

"It's different with him."

"If Tris were still here don't you think she'd say the same thing about me?" she asks pointedly.

"She is still here," Tobias snaps.

Evelyn's lips pinch into a thin, hard line, but she doesn't disagree with him though he can tell she wants to.

"I don't trust him. And you," he glares at Christina. "Should know better than to leave him with her."

Christina rolls her eyes. "You're overreacting, Four. And there's a difference between protecting her, and whatever it is you're doing right now."

"She nearly died!" Tobias says, more exasperated than angry for once. "She needs to rest, to heal. She can't do that with everyone trapezing through her hospital room morning, noon, and night. Once she stronger-"

Christina throws her hands up in frustration. "Okay, I get it!" she huffs. "But you're still overreacting about Caleb."

"She's right, Tobias," Evelyn says gently. "C'mon, walk me back to my room and give them some time together. It will be good for her, to have a little space."

"Fine," Tobias says, outnumbered and defeated. "But tomorrow, no Caleb. Lock him out if you have to," Tobias says to Christina in his best Four voice. It doesn't quite have the desired effect anymore because all she does is smirk at him and offer a sarcastic salute as she turns for the dining hall in search of dinner.

By the time Tobias and Evelyn reach the hallway that leads to her room he's calmed down considerably, though he's chewing what little is left of his nails ragged.

"Can I ask you something?" she says, stopping at her door.

"I guess."

"You being so... overbearing… are you worried that she won't love you again?"

"I'm just trying to do what's best for her," Tobias says defensively.

"You can't control everything, Tobias, people least of all, and maybe her moreso than most." The look she gives him makes it perfectly clear what she's trying to remind him of, and he doesn't appreciate it.

" _I am not him_ ," Tobias seethes, indignant. "I'm not trying to control her."

"No, you're not, you're trying to protect her, in your way. I just want you to be prepared if things don't… go your way," she says, laying a gentle hand on his arm.

"Good night," he says dismissively, his voice tight, and walks away.

She doesn't try to stop him.

By the time he makes it back to the hospital he has to work hard to calm himself down; he can't walk into Tris' room this angry. He ducks into an alcove, sliding down the wall until he's hunched down, elbow digging into his knees, head in his hands, words chanting through his head like a mantra.

_She's just looking out for me._

_She's just trying to be a good mother. Finally._

_She's going to love me again._

That last one makes an unpleasant ache takes root in his chest and he has to rub it away just so he can breath again. Tris will love him again. She will.  _She will, she will, she will_ , he thinks fiercely, trying to make it true.

_But…_

_If she doesn't…_

_...at least I won't be alone._

Evelyn gave up everything, that has to count for something. It might not take away the sting of her abandonment, or the betrayal of her leaving him with a monster, but in the end she chose him. She loves him. It matters.

By the time he pushes himself to his feet he's not angry, at least. Still, he takes a bracing breath outside Tris' room, willing his face into an impassive mask for whatever he's met with on the other side.

When he walks in Tris is laying back against the pillows, eyes closed, and he'd think she was asleep if not for the small smile gracing her features at whatever Caleb is telling her as he sits next to the bed. And it only grows when she peels one eye open in response to Caleb's sudden silence. It's almost comical the difference between them, Caleb rubbing distractedly at the dusky collar of bruises on his neck, and Tris looking so pleased.

It's hard to hold back the kiss that feels natural as he slips his hand into hers and sits down on the opposite side of the bed, but he does.

"How was dinner?" she asks politely.

"Good. How was yours?"

"Disgusting, still." Tobias frowns at that, eyes cutting tray bearing it's remnants. Getting Tris to eat anything more substantial than ice chips since she woke up has been difficult; she just has no appetite. "But I ate it," she points out. "Chicken broth and crackers. It was delicious," she says sarcastically.

Sarcasm is good. It gives him hope.

"Caleb brought me banana bread, but I'm saving it for later."

"Our, um, mom used to make banana bread a lot," he says, paling under the look Tobias gives him. "She never let us have any, but Beatrice used to hang around the kitchen, hoping. Evelyn said she wasn't very hungry; I thought I might tempt her."

"When did you talk to Evelyn?" Tobias asks, brow furrowing in confusion.

"Yesterday in the lunchline; we were just making conversation," Caleb shrugs.

"Tired?" Tobias asks, turning his attention back to Tris.

"Getting there," Tris says, closing her eyes and leaning back against the pillows once again. "Caleb was telling me about our father since the Bureau didn't have a file on him."

"I can come back tomorrow if you're too tired," he offers, eyes fixed on his sister.

Before Tobias can think of a graceful way to drag his ass outside and tell him that's not going to happen Tris says, "no, finish. I can stay awake a while longer."

After a little verbal fumbling Caleb picks up the thread of conversation where he left off when Tobias entered the room. It's mundane, mostly, but interesting even to him since, aside from a few vague memories from his time in Abnegation, Tobias didn't know Andrew Prior much better than Tris knows him now. The most important thing he gleans is that, no matter what the Erudite articles said, Andrew loved his daughter, and though there might have groundings and going to bed without dinner and stern talking to's, there wasn't violence.

In a different world, one where there was no war and they lived their lives in selflessness wrapped in grey, he would have had to ask Andrew's permission to court his daughter. Tobias wonders if he would have gotten it, if being Marcus' son would have been enough to gain his approval, or if he would have thought the son was following in his father's footsteps too exactly, if one day he'd have to fake Tris' death to keep her from being beat black and blue and red everyday and denied him.

Eventually Tris' hand goes heavy in Tobias, the fingers uncurling slightly and becoming dead weight in his palm. Her breathing evens out too, though it's still a little ragged when she inhales. Caleb lets his story trail off, waiting to see if Tris will prompt him again or if she's soundly asleep. When she doesn't he looks up at Tobias, mouth already opening to say something. "Outside," Tobias says, leaving no room for argument.

"What are you doing here, Caleb?" he asks once they're safely out in the hallway.

"The same thing you are," Caleb says and Tobias would be mildly impressed at the challenge in his tone if he didn't think it was all a put-on.

"And you just happen to swing by the first time I leave her side?" Tobias asks sarcastically. "How convenient for you."

"I'm just trying to take care of her," Caleb says, resolute despite the accusation.

"That's fucking ironic considering how many times you've nearly gotten her killed," Tobias says.

"She's the only family I have left."

"Not for lack of trying though. I've always been curious… did Jeanine send you into the Abnegation sector the night of the simulation attack, put her favourite little brown-noser to work as a spy just in case?" Tobias aks cruelly.

Caleb's face flushes angrily, but he doesn't take the bait and aim a clumsy fist at Tobias' jaw, instead he says, "you're still keeping secrets from her. You haven't told her about your relationship yet," in a cold, clipped tone.

"No, I haven't," Tobias says defensively. "Not that it's any of your business-"

"- I'm her _brother,_  it's my business," he says, cutting across him.

"Yeah," Tobias scoffs. "She just woke up a few days ago. It's too much to dump on her with everything else right now. And it's not your business," he reiterates. "Stay out of it." He doesn't give Caleb a chance to respond, slipping through the door of Tris' room and locking it behind him.

His anger ebbs away, a receding tide of emotion once he's got Tris' hand in his again, his thumb slowly tracing a path back and forth across her knuckles.

"You two don't get along," Tris mumbles, pulling him out of his ruminations.

"No, we don't," Tobias says quietly. Even though the memory serum did it's job and wiped the slate of her mind clean, Tris is still in there somewhere. She didn't lose her sarcasm… or her perceptiveness.

"Why?"

"He chose his faction over his family," Tobias says slowly, hoping it's enough of an answer for her right now.

"And you don't approve?"

"No, I don't," he says, leaning over to brush the fingers of his free hand through her hair, hoping to soothe her back to sleep.

"I should go with you tomorrow. It's my trial after all, even if I don't remember what I did."

"You should stay here and rest," he says firmly, one side of his mouth picking up in a crooked smile. She didn't lose her stubbornness either.

"Is that according to Doctor Jacobson or Doctor Tobias?"

"Doctor Jacobson, but I agree with him. It's a formality anyway," he lies. It's not, but her worrying about it isn't going to change anything. Of course the argument that she shouldn't because he's going to handle it raises questions he doesn't think she's ready to hear the answers for yet.

Either way, something about his answer makes her eyes peel open slowly, slide over his face curious and searching. It's not the first time she's looked at him that way, as if she's trying to puzzle him out, fit the pieces that aren't making sense into the right places so that they do. He's not sure if he hopes it's because his lie wasn't convincing enough or because he hopes that despite his best efforts she feels this thing between them too.

"Do you have siblings?" she finally asks, and it's such a non-sequitur it throws him a little.

"No. Well, I did, I guess. It was stillborn. I don't know if it was a boy or girl."

"Oh, sorry."

"It's okay. I was young. It didn't affect me that much." Mostly because Evelyn 'died' at the same time, but he leaves that unsaid.

"You would have been a good big brother," Tris breathes out, giving into sleep again. "You've been taking good care of me."

Tobias isn't sure at which point his first instinct switched from wanting to push Tris until she breaks to protecting her. Maybe it was seeing her bruised and bloody by his own hands when she pulled him out of the attack simulation. Maybe it was seeing her drowning in grief after her parents death. Maybe it's just what happens when you love someone.

In the end it doesn't really matter. Things changed, he changed. He wants to protect her; from people who would hurt her, punish her, try to break her; from his baser nature and her self-destruction masquerading as selflessness; from bad memories; from pain and fear and loneliness. Some of those things are easier to accomplish than others.

"I'm trying to," he says quietly, but Tris is already asleep again.

 

xxxx

Tobias doesn't know what it is about bureaucrats that makes them look like pigs, but they do. Fat and florid and officious; efficient pigs, but pigs nonetheless. They don't bother giving him truth serum, but sitting in front of them in a rickety stool as they hold court behind a solid table isn't any more pleasant than if they had.

It is easier to manipulate the truth though.

The one in the middle, an older man with a sheen of grease and thinning hair and fat neck spilling over his severely starched collar, sets a silver recorder on the table and clears his throat. He goes through the regular rigamarole Tobias expects, speaking more for the benefit of the minion who will have to transcribe it than anyone in the room. Tobias sits placidly as they record the branch of the government they work for, Tris' name and identification number, and then the same for Tobias; the charges she faces and that he'll be speaking in her defense since she's still too weak to do it herself.

There are three "special investigators" as they call themselves holding court, but it's the one seated at the middle of the table, the one who's done all the talking so far, that Tobias pegs as the one he needs to convince. The man flips through a sheaf of papers, checking some fact or figure before looking up at Tobias. "Can you please begin by telling us how and why you left the Chicago Experiment?"

It's not that different from the tactics used in Candor. Give the subject a series of simple questions, let them get comfortable so they're more prone to being open when you get to the part they actually care about. If going under the truth serum there taught Tobias anything, it's not to fight the small stuff, not to give the questioner a reason to attack and pry too early, because as much as they're trying to lull him into being loose lipped, he's trying to lull them into thinking he's giving them the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So he answers their questions. The patronizing ones about his exact relationship to Tris, the painfully humiliating ones about the role he played in the bombing at the Bureau, the unnecessarily invasive ones about what happened the last time he was in Chicago. There are questions he can avoid though, and still others that he can manipulate the truth to; the best lies always have some kernel of truth to them, after all. In his narrative Tris didn't agree to work with David for the sole purpose of infiltrating the leadership of Bureau; that was just happenstance, that she was a party to their decisions. A happenstance they capitalized on, but happenstance nonetheless. No one in their group of "rebels" will contradict him and David is in no state to refute it.

The questioning goes on for hours, as if they're hoping fatigue or maybe just discomfort will make him give something away. It doesn't. Sixteen years of Marcus taught him the importance of keeping his lies straight, and after having days to prepare himself he's well versed in exactly what he needs to say.

Still, there's only so much he can do when they have Tris on video releasing the serum. In their eyes, she's guilty. But he also knows that the Federal Emergency Management Agency, the agency they work for and that the Bureau of Genetic Purity is a sub-division of wanted nothing more than to shut the Chicago Experiment down; that they were in fact waiting for the Bureau to screw up badly enough to give them justification to do just that. They got what they wanted. Maybe not in the way that they hoped, but they got it nonetheless.

Tobias obediently leaves the room when they dismiss him with an unconcerned, "we're inform you of our decision in the next twenty-four hours." He lingers in the hallway though, just far enough away to go unnoticed, but not so far as to miss the two lesser investigators leaving it. He checks that the coast is clear and slips back inside.

Breen, the one in charge, barely looks up from the pad of paper he's scribbling on. "I thought I made myself clear that will let you know our decision tomorrow," he says with more condescension in his voice than Tobias thinks he's ever heard from anyone.

"Perfectly," Tobias says, drawing a chair up to the end of the table. For this conversation they need to on more equal footing. "Since I've never been a particularly charming person, I'm just going to get to the point. I know you're not going to find Tris innocent. But her actions also gave your agency exactly what it wanted: a reason to shut down the Chicago Experiment, something they've been chomping at the bit to do for years if David is to be believed. What I want -"

"Your girlfriend is a criminal -," Breen says, cutting him off. "We can't ignore that she attacked a government official."

"An unarmed young woman, who barely weighs more than a hundred pounds soaking wet and weakened from the Death Serum must have been quite a threat," Tobias bites out. "All I'm asking is that you forget about her, that you let the story remain that there was a lab accident and bury the truth that it was released on purpose, like you have been doing."

"And if I don't?" Breen asks petulantly.

"People might wonder why someone would feel the need to release the serum here," Tobias shrugs, purposefully offensive in his relaxed demeanor. "And that just brings up stories no one wants told, stories about rogue government agencies enabling mass murder and the higher up's turning a blind eye."

"I can't just 'forget about her'," the man sneers, getting to his feet. "I have people I answer to, too, and they sent me here for a reason." He stares contemplatively out the window for a moment, turning things over in his mind. "I read your file earlier. Does Miss Prior know that you're genetically damaged?"

Tobias bites back his anger at the question. "Yes, she does," he answers, forcing his voice to be even.

"And she still loves you? Well, I suppose there's no accounting for taste," he says more to himself than Tobias though the sentiment makes the latter wish they were back in the training rooms so he could show him just how 'damaged' he is.

The silence stretches on between them, and when the ambient light in the room gets dark enough the fluorescent lights automatically flicker to life he finally speaks again. "Chicago is going to be an open city now, and despite what my agency thinks I've seen what happens when the Genetically Damaged flood into a city, I've seen the kind of havoc they wreak on civilized society." He turns towards Tobias, looking at him contemptuously. "As soon as Miss Prior is healthy enough to leave the hospital she is confined to the city. Hopefully that will teach her the lesson she clearly needs to learn. Now, get out."

* * *

Tris steps out of the shower, feeling better than she can ever remember feeling, though that's not saying much. She stand in front of the mirror, peeling away the towel wrapped around her to finger at her torso, at the stitched together flesh, and the puckered, silvery scars forming. She wonders if Tobias has ever seen her this way.

Since she woke up Tobias has been a permanent fixture at her side. It makes sense, sort of, his presence. He's been telling her about everything they left behind in Chicago, everything that led to them being here, and ultimately to her ending up in the hospital; it's all complex and interconnected, and most of all very time consuming. If that were the sole reason for his attentions, Tris could chalk it up to him being a friend. A good friend.

It's not just that though. Tobias is always there, hovering in the background through reunions that are really introductions; at her side when the doctors come to examine her; there to urge her to walk or eat, and to fuss over her when the pain is too much and breaks through the drugs they're using to control it. Still, maybe he's one of those friends who are more like family. The few interactions she's had with Caleb have been stilted and awkward at best, after all, so maybe it's not so farfetched to think that Tobias filled that brotherly role for her.

But the longer she's awake, the more she's around him, the more she realizes that is not the case. It's not that he seems to always have her hand in his, how he brushes his fingers through her hair to help her fall asleep, or even his hand at the small of her back while they walk. It's the way he looks at her, like he's trying to hide just how familiar and intimate the actions are, like he's barely holding himself back.

Tris has thought of a dozen different ways to broach the subject with him over the last few days and discarded each one. There's too much she doesn't remember, things she doesn't feel comfortable asking Tobias about because maybe there's a good reason he hasn't corrected the doctors and nurses who call him her "friend". And the times she's hinted at those same questions with Christina and Caleb when she was allowed to be alone with them they clammed up so quickly all it did was make it more obvious that Tobias is hiding something from her.

She sighs and dries off and pulls on the clothes Christina brought her along with sweet smelling soaps that left her skin soft and clean instead of sticky and itchy like the hospital soap. They're scrubs like the nurses wear, pants and a wrap around top because they're still treating her gunshot wounds, and they're infinitely more comfortable than the hospital gowns she has been wearing.

Christina and her bag of goodies have been a good distraction from worrying about what's going on in some office somewhere in this compound, a group of people deciding what her fate is going to be once she's healthy enough to leave the hospital. No matter what Tobias tells her she doesn't believe for a second that it's not a big deal, like he keeps saying.

Tris opens the door, words of thanks perched on her tongue, but never taking flight when she finds Evelyn waiting for her instead of Christina. "Um… where's Christina?" she asks, hesitating in the doorway. Tris doesn't know what it is about the older woman that puts her on edge, but regardless she does.

"I sent her off to dinner," Evelyn says, standing up and smoothing out her dress. "She said she was going to trim your hair. If you don't mind, I can do it; I've had much more practice anyway."

"Sure, okay," Tris says though it's not. Irrational as it is she's a little afraid Evelyn will hurt her. She ignores it and lets the older woman follow her into the bathroom and position her in front of the mirror. It's just as irrational that the feeling of Evelyn combing her hair is soothing.

"Have you had any luck getting your memories back?" Evelyn asks neutrally, tilting Tris' head forward to she can start snipping at her hair.

"No," she frowns.

"Hmm… maybe that's for the best," Evelyn says.

"I think you're the only one who feels that way," Tris says. Everything is still too new to her to really feel grief over the loss of her memories, but everyone around her, everyone who knew her before anyway, does.

"Your best friend, your brother, and my son aren't the best judges of character," she says with a hardness in her voice that makes Tris peek up out of the fringe obscuring her vision to watch Evelyn in the mirror.

"You don't like me very much do you?" Tris finally asks her. And when Evelyn says, "no, I don't," it's actually a relief to hear it because it means she's not imagining things. "Why?"

Evelyn snips the scissors so close to her ear that Tris flinches. "Tobias has risked his life - over and over - because he loves you, but he's too blinded by it to see that you don't love him back. He's too blinded to see that you aren't a permanent fixture in his life, that you'll either get yourself killed or leave him in some other way."

Evelyn keeps talking as she works, telling her about how Tobias stayed in a faction that would have killed him because he loved her; how they nearly both died the night of simulation attack, at Amity; how it was Evelyn's intervention that kept them alive. She tells her how Tobias chased her to Erudite because of her 'sacrifice'. How Tris betrayed him by working with Marcus. She tells Tris about how she rejected the future she could have had with Tobias and abandoned him to risk her life yet again, even though someone else was ready to take her place.

She tells Tris about how Tobias has doggedly loved her through all of it.

"He deserves someone better, Beatrice," she says as she finishes. "Someone who will choose him. You can give him that. You don't remember him, there's no guarantee that you will love him again, even in the weak way you did. Maybe it's callous of me to say, but he's young. First love is a wonderful and terrible thing - I should know -, but he'll get over you, move on and fall in love with someone who loves him back the way he deserves. You two were never meant to last. It's time to let him go." She sets the scissors down on the counter and walks out, quiet as a ghost.

Eventually Tris wipes away the wetness from her eyes, sweeps the trimmings into the wastebasket and stumbles her way back to bed. She's still there, face buried in her knees when Tobias comes back. She flinches away from his touch, a touch she's found so calming and comforting the last few days.

"What's wrong?" he asks, voice filled with worry.

"We weren't friends, were we?" Tris asks, her voice thick.

Tobias is quiet for a long time before he says, "no, we weren't. Who told you?"

"It doesn't matter who told me,  _you_  didn't."

"I was going to tell you, it was just too much to dump on you with everything else. I mean, God, since you woke up you've had to deal with meeting people who know you that you have no memory of, everything that happened in the city, your history, and the very real possibility you could go to jail for what you did, even if you has no memory of it, not to mention recovering from your wounds," he reels off. "You don't remember who you are, and forcing this," he motions to himself, frustrated because this argument sounded so much better in his head, "on you… it was too much. I would have told you. Soon. As soon as things were more settled. Once you were stronger."

"You must have loved me a lot," Tris says sadly, swinging her legs over the side of the bed, but keeping her head bowed to hide behind the curtain of her hair.

"I still do. That kind of love doesn't go away in a few days… or because you don't remember it," Tobias adds quietly.

"So, what? You just wait to see if I can love you again?" Tris asks in a small voice.

Tobias sits down next to her, not close like they used to though; not like lovers, but like friends. "In Abnegation they taught us that love isn't about what loves you back," he says quietly.

"That's not very fair to you, is it?"

Tobias doesn't have an answer for her.

"You're right: I don't remember who I am anymore. I don't know anything - not my history or who I can trust. I thought I could trust you. Was I wrong?"

Tris' words cut into him, gut him. "I was just trying to protect you," he says hollowly.

"Don't. Just… don't keep things from me. I'm not weak," she says firmly.

"Okay."

"You should go, have dinner with your friends, your real ones," Tris stutters, giving a big sniffle and wiping at her nose. "I've probably been taking up too much of your time anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Keep in mind that the things Evelyn said are her version of events, not what they actually are. If you're wondering why I decided that FEMA was in charge of the Bureau, there's actually a couple of reasons, and since I don't know if I'll be getting into them in future chapters, I'll just tell you now: 1.) FEMA falls under the control of Homeland Security, and 2.) they maintain a number of camps across the US, capable of confining millions of people if need be. In the event of war breaking out in the US it's likely the camps - which are staffed and maintained 24/7 - would be activated. Google "FEMA camps" if you're interested in reading some hysteria-ridden conspiracy theories. For the record, I don't think they're quite as nefarious as some people make them out to be, but regardless they exist. In my head!cannon fencing up cities and dumping a bunch of people in them and hoping they don't kill each other is a natural extension of that.
> 
> As always, THANK YOU SO MUCH for the kudos and comments! They're great incentive to keep writing. If you're feeling chatty you can find me on Tumblr at BleuWrites :)


	4. Chapter 4

Despite Tris' directive, Tobias doesn't go have dinner with his friends. He finds the nearest exit and starts walking. It's bitterly cold now that the sun is down and he's not really dressed for being outside, and he should probably be worrying about hypothermia, but he needs to walk; he needs to not be around people because right now he doesn't think he can handle the knowing, pitying looks his 'friends' would give him if he had to fess up to what just happened with Tris. He doesn't think he can handle Evelyn's smug one either. And the only person who would hand him a beer and commiserate and try to find some ridiculous bright side isn't his friend anymore.

So he walks.

And tries to figure out who sold him out to Tris, though really there's only one person and already it's picking at the back of his brain. Still, he considers everyone who has been around Tris since she woke up, just to be fair.

Christina's first up because she was with Tris today, and also because of her Candor upbringing. Maybe she decided Tris "deserves" to know the truth despite their agreement that Tobias would be the one to tell Tris that their relationship is a little more complicated than "friends".

Except that they did agree to that. And Tobias might not be as good at reading people as Tris is, but he knows Christina and he knows it's much more likely that she would have hounded him into compliance rather than go behind his back and tell Tris. And even if she had she wouldn't have framed their relationship in a way that made Tris say the things she did when she confronted him about it.

He moves onto to other names, other possibilities.

There's Matthew, and though at one time Tobias was jealous of him, Matthew hasn't really done anything that warrants that kind of suspicion. He saved Tris' life, has done everything he can to help Tobias help Tris remember who she is. He's not a rival, he's an ally, and is as easily dismissed as Christina.

Cara is up next, but it's so unlikely as to be absurd. If she was going to tell Tris anything she would have told her about Will, would have shown her the grainy gray-scale video of her shooting her brother and rubbed her nose in it like a misbehaving pet. That is, unless she was feeling vindictive and cruel and wanted to ruin things between the two of them because Will is never coming back and it's not fair that Tris gets to live happily ever after and all Cara gets is a long life of mourning her brother.

Tobias' stomach rolls sickeningly because if this is about dead brothers and vindictive siblings he has to consider Zeke too, even if he hasn't been around Tris. He hasn't talked to Zeke since he had to tell him about Uriah, hasn't seen him except across the room in the dining hall, but God. He really,  _really_ , doesn't want to believe that things are so bad between them that Zeke would purposefully sabotage things between him and Tris.

So, he doesn't, at least for now, and focuses on where he'd put his money if he was a betting man: Caleb. Caleb who hates him, has never approved of him; Caleb who wants back in his sister's life and has proven himself to be a lying, duplicitous little bastard no matter how much he's tried to redeem himself of late. The more Tobias lets himself think on it the more certain he becomes.

And though his first instinct might be to find Caleb and scream and rage and maybe strangle him for real this time, he knows that's not the best solution; that physically attacking Tris' brother when she's ignorant of all the ways in which he's hurt her in the past will just make Tobias look like a bad guy. A violent guy. Marcus. And selfishly he loves her too much for that, so if Caleb wants to play this game, he can play it too. He just needs a plan.

The Bureau headquarters loom up out of the distance, the lights twinkling in the windows invitingly, like it's a safe haven instead of a place dreams go to die. Now that the anger burning inside of him has subsided to smoldering hate he's just cold. By the time he makes it through the big sliding doors his teeth are chattering and he's shivering violently.

He scrounges up a thick jacket from the lost and found box behind the abandoned security desk and the biggest cup of coffee he's ever consumed from the nearly empty dining hall, and takes up residence across from the giant stone statue in the atrium. There's something soothing about the inexorable dripping of water shaping the slab in front of him; he wishes he and Tris were that inevitable.

"I didn't expect you to be away from your lady love," a voice calls out as Tobias chews the inside of his cheek to bloody ribbons thinking about Caleb. His eyes go wide as Amar steps out of the shadows; apparently Tobias isn't as alone as he thought. "I know that look," Amar jokes as he sits down beside him. "Trouble in paradise?"

"Something like that," Tobias mutters.

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really."

Amar doesn't say anything, just settles in, like he used to when they were trainer and initiate, and then mentor and pupil, and then later, friends. And like all those times before Tobias speaks when he's ready.

"Someone told her about us; about our relationship, that we're not just friends."

"And I take it that someone wasn't you?"

"No," Tobias scowls.

"So is she mad at you because you lied to her or because you kept things from her?"

Tobias scowls. "The latter. And don't say it like that. It's not like that," he says flatly.

"Then what's it like?"

Tobias sighs heavily and explains for what feels like the millionth time about how he was just trying to protect Tris, to ration the information she was given so she didn't collapse under the weight of it, how he would have told her about 'them' soon. "You know the more I say it, the worse it sounds," he finishes.

"You wanted to protect her; that's not the worst thing in the world when you love someone," Amar offers.

"Yeah, and like usual I ended up hurting her," Tobias says bitterly. "I wanted things to be different this time, and I just keep making the same mistakes."

"It's funny, we have this idea that when we fall in love, it just fixes everything. That all our flaws, all our brokenness, is healed by love. And it's… it's not that that's wrong, but it doesn't change who we are, not deep down," Amar says as he hands cutting shapes in the air in tandem with his words.

"I told Tris that she was good for you, that you without her are a very different person, but it's not because she changed you, it's because she was the first person who let you be whole. That kid I met in initiation, 'Four'... he was solitary and secretive and plagued by self-doubt and self-loathing, but even then I could see that it was a mask, something to hide behind to protect yourself."

"Are you going somewhere with this?" Tobias interrupts gruffly because he knows Amar knows he's hitting too close for comfort with his little soliloquy.

Amar gives him a wry smile; he's never been able to intimidate the older man. "Those parts are still there - love doesn't change that -, but Tris brings out the other parts in you; the parts that care deeply for people, that want to protect and help them, that don't see idealism as a flaw, but something to always strive towards; things that make you a good leader when you're not trying to be a follower, as she pointed out, by the way. That's what I'm getting at." Amar takes a breath before adding, "and just because years of conditioning have made your darker instincts your natural ones when things go badly doesn't mean they're you're better instincts, but I think you know that already."

It takes Tobias a minute to control his breathing, to will it into normalcy like he does in his fear landscape because even if Tris has seen all the same things Amar has, she's never laid him bare like that before. "I don't… I didn't know you saw all that… in me."

Amar shrugs diffidently. "I paid attention."

And, randomly, Tobias is reminded of Tris at the bottom of the Chasm after he took her through his fear landscape, her breathless, 'you've been paying close attention, haven't you?'. Tobias pushes the thought away because this is not what that was, not even close, and it's comical to think so. "Either way, it doesn't really help right now, does it?" Tobias says, turning the conversation to an easier topic than the ghosts that haunt him even in the best of times.

"I think it does. Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is what's hard. It's days and weeks and months of choices. And sometimes we make the wrong choices, but when you love someone you keep on trying to make the right ones, and if they love you they keep on trying to let you. Understand?," Amar says, using the same voice he used to use in the training rooms; still, always, a teacher.

"Yes," Tobias answers, and he does, but there's more to it than that.

"Good," Amar says looking smugly satisfied. "So, what are you still doing here?"

"It's not just Tris that I have to deal with, it's whoever told her," Tobias says draining the bitter dregs from his cup of coffee.

"Ah," Amar nods in understanding. "Any idea who that is?"

"Her brother, I think. He and I have never liked each other much."

"Well, he's her brother, that's what brothers do," he hedges. "But after what happened at Erudite… it's hard to forgive and forget when someone hurts the person you love."

Tobias can't help cringing a little. Sometimes it seems like everyone here knows every detail of his relationship with Tris, though he supposes Amar has a better reason than most for knowing them.

"She's going to find out sooner or later," Amar points out. "But maybe you should leave that up to him."

"If I leave it up to him, he'll never tell her," Tobias snaps. "And what happened at Erudite… that's part of our story, hers and mine."

"So tell her your story, and let him tell his," Amar says like it's the simplest thing in the world. "You don't need to forgive him, she does. But she deserves the chance to make that decision, the same way you did with Evelyn." Amar pushes himself to his feet, his knees making audible popping noises as he straightens up. "How is your mother dealing with all of this, by the way?"

"Skeptically," Tobias says dryly, standing up and searching for a trash can.

"I suppose that's better than her pulling Tris aside and telling her that she's only a temporary part of your life like she did when she met her at the safe-house for the first time." Tobias gapes at him stupidly. "From the dumbfounded expression on your face I'm going to guess neither one of them told you about that."

"No," Tobias says and then pinches his mouth shut; at least it won't be able to hang open in shock if Amar's got story like that up his sleeve.

"Well, then, I guess you weren't the only person protecting someone," he says ruefully. "Anyway, good luck with all of this."

xxxx

There's still an obscene amount of caffeine in Tobias system as he makes his way to Tris' hospital room; he likes to think it's that and not nerves that has his heart racing and his fingers shaking. It is late, getting close to the time she normally falls asleep, but he needs to do this tonight, now; she needs to know it's important enough that it can't wait a second longer than necessary.

"What are you doing here, Tobias?" Tris asks, her gaze wary and conflicted when he barges into her room.

"I made a decision," he says firmly, taking the chair he so often occupies next to her bed, and plucking the tablet she had been holding out of her hands.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I decided that - if you'll let me - I'll tell you everything about us."

"What happens after?" she asks with a frown.

"One step at a time, okay?" He can tell she doesn't think much of that idea, but eventually she nods, agreeing. "You know how you said earlier that I must have loved you a lot?" he asks navigating to where he hid the password protected files on the device.

"Mmhmm?"

"You loved me a lot too… And I can prove it," he says, dropping the handrail on the bed and sitting next to her familiarly so they can both see the video that fills the screen when he taps on the tiny 'play' icon. He has to turn the volume all the way up so they can both hear their recorded conversation after he pulls her out of the net.

"I don't know what you were thinking then," he says when it finishes, "but I know what I was thinking: that even though you were small and plain you refused to be ignored anymore. Your eyes were stern and insistent and utterly beautiful," he murmurs, drawing an embarrassed blush across her cheeks.

He plays her more videos, offering his thoughts because he doesn't know what hers were. Some of them are particularly hard to watch, and Tris looks deeply disturbed after seeing Peter beat and molest and nearly kill her. But she doesn't even flinch as she watches Tobias violently come to her rescue, in fact her expression is an echo of the fierceness he saw when she woke up in his bed. There's no video of that, but he remembers it perfectly.

Still, he can tell it's not until after that, until after Al's death and her seeking comfort in Tobias' arms instead of anyone else's that she starts to accept the idea that she loved him too. But it's not until she watches them go through Tobias' fear landscape, of her putting herself between him and simulation-Marcus, that she really believes it. And like then Tobias wants to kiss her.

Instead, he shows her the video of them going to the Chasm afterwards. The crashing, rushing water makes it impossible to hear their conversation, but Tobias tells her what was said, as exactly as he remembers it. "Was that my first kiss?" she asks curiously when it plays out.

"I think so," Tobias answers as honestly as he can. "I mean, I'm almost certain it was."

"Because it was bad?"

"No, it was pretty great actually," he says wistfully.

"Was it your first kiss?" Tris asks a moment later.

"Well… it was the first kiss I was a willing participant in," Tobias says, feeling embarrassed. The quizzical look Tris gives him lets him know she expects more of an answer than that and he groans out loud at the prospect. "My friend Zeke forced me to go on a couple of double dates with him before I met you. Mostly they just ended with me being silent and awkward and withdrawn, but one girl decided the best way to try and get my attention was by drunkenly kissing me."

"Did it work?"

"Ugh,  _no_ ," Tobias says disgustedly, remembering a lot of cherry lip gloss and cheap beer and he's pretty sure she tried to shove her tongue into his mouth, something made impossible by him clamping his lips together and pushing her away once the shock wore off. "I wasn't very popular after that."

"I'll bet," Tris smirks.

"Do you want to keep teasing me all night, or should we watch the next one?" Tobias asks.

"Please," Tris says, motioning the tablet where it's propped up against her bent knees. They breeze through the events of the next few days easily, but up until the moment he hits play on the recording of Tris going through her fear landscape he wants more than anything to skip it.

His fingers twitch nervously against his thigh as the video plays through. She's silent once it finishes, alarmingly so, and the words he's trying to hold back break free from his mouth like a tidal wave, desperately explaining what her real fears were, the conversation they had in his apartment afterwards, and how though she originally had seven fears she overcame one important one to earn a numerical nickname herself.

Tris' expression doesn't give anything away, but she picks at the blanket nervously as she says, "I remember someone - you, I guess, I mean, obviously - calling me that when I was in the ICU, calling me 'Six'."

"Do you remember anything else?" Tobias breathes out.

"Not really," Tris says, shaking her head. "I remember you were always there, and it made me feel safe, comforted. Everything else is kind of a blur, like a dream I can almost remember, but not quite. I don't know, I'm not making any sense."

"Do I still make you feel that way?"

"Yes," Tris says so quietly he almost doesn't hear her.

"Just… remember that," he says hesitantly before explaining the simulation attack, how they ended up in the Abnegation sector and the serum that Jeanine injected him with. "I don't remember most of this," he says, his tone desperate and shaky. "But you need to see it, to know…," he trails off before hitting play and dying inside as he watches himself attack Tris, watches her fight and flail but refuse to kill him.

"I hate watching that," he mutters, snatching the tablet away and slamming it face down on the bedside table the second the video is done. He gets up and leans against the bed, his back to her. It's not the first time he's seen it, but it never gets any easier.

"Why didn't you kill me?" Tris asks in a small voice.

"I never wanted to be a killer," he says.

Tobias takes a deep breath, refocusing; this isn't about him, it's about Tris, about her love for him. He forces himself to turn around, to meet her eyes. "You couldn't kill me either. You said that killing me would have been like killing yourself. You were willing to let me kill you instead," he chokes out, astounded again that someone - anyone - could love him enough to do that. "I may not be an expert on love, but it's a lie to think you didn't love me as much as I love you."

"There are other things, Tobias, things that happened after that," she starts to protest.

He doesn't know why he does it, maybe just stress and regret and longing, but instead of arguing with her, he kisses her. She goes rigid in his arms for a moment, but then her lips melt against his. It's brief, too brief, before she's pulling away. He doesn't let her go far with one hand cupped around the back of her neck and another caging her in against the bed. "Tell me I'm wrong," he challenges. "Tell me you don't feel anything when I kiss you."

"That doesn't mean I will love you again," Tris says with careful evenness.

"I'm willing to take that chance."

" _Tobias,_ I -"

"These are my choices, Tris. They're  _mine_ , and I'll live with the consequences, but I can't live with not trying, with just giving up. If you don't feel anything that's okay. We can really just be friends," he says, though he doesn't pull away from her.

"And you would be okay with that? With being friends with me even though you're in love with me?"

"Maybe not today, but someday," he says honestly. “Are you going to answer my question or am I going to have to kiss you again?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always you can find me on Tumblr at BleuWrites if you're feeling chatty :)

Tris is feeling better, which means she's feeling restless and for lack of anything better to do than sit in her hospital bed and sleep some more she's been delving into the massive digital archives the Bureau has. She's not sure she if she should feel disgusted, violated, or frightened by how invasive their observation of Chicago was; still is, probably.

She skips around the files on her mother, flipping past the written reports she's read so much she's got them memorized and focusing on the pictures and videos, though she treats the one where her mother dies with a certain amount of caution because the few times she's watched it have left her feeling like she's going to throw up from the horror of it all. But that's all she feels when she watches it. How horrible it is twists in her gut, but it always does no matter who she is watching die.

And Tris feels guilty about that because it is her mother and she should feel more, but she doesn't know that woman either. The only way she knows the slope of Natalie's shoulders or the aria of her laughter is from watching videos. Tris knows her mother must have loved her to sacrifice herself the way she did, but still, she doesn't feel connected to her. She doesn't even feel connected to the girl who looks just like her that she sees in the videos because there's Beatrice and there's Tris and though they're the same there's an ocean she can't cross between them.

But it is through the videos of her mother that she stumbles across ones of Evelyn since they're all cross referenced by name, and though Natalie and Evelyn might not have had much to do with each other, they did come in contact occasionally. It feels obsessive, how manically Tris is digging into her life, and she would feel wrong about doing it if she liked Evelyn at all, but she doesn't. Tris doesn't trust her, but she doesn't trust that it's not just wishful thinking on her part, either, because the one person she does feel connected to is Tobias, which is why she's doing this. more or less. She needs him, though Evelyn would say she just needs someone (who is not her son) and shove Caleb at her more forcefully than she already has.

Caleb.

Tris isn't sure what to do about Caleb now that she knows what Tobias meant about him choosing his faction over his family. Sure, she let Caleb explain his side of the story, but his protests that he thought he was doing the right thing and he's sorry and he wants his sister back were hard to accept with anything other than skepticism. At best.

Tris startles when the door of her hospital room bangs open, trying to tuck the tablet under her blankets surreptitious so she doesn't get caught snooping, but the questioning lift of Christina's eyebrows tells her she didn't pull it off at all. "Hey, do you want to go get lunch? I'm leaving this afternoon," she asks, but her voice is suspicious.

"Sure," Tris says a little too enthusiastically. She gets up to fast too and it makes something tug painfully inside her, her face screwing up momentarily against it.

"Do you want me to grab a wheelchair?" Christina offers.

"It's fine," Tris winces. "Just have to move more carefully."

"So, you're kissing Tobias now," Christina says as they slowly make their way to the cafeteria, nurses and orderlies quick stepping around them like the obstacles they are. "That's new."

Tris blushes and grimaces and asks her if the only reason she asked her to lunch is so she could needle her.

"I'm just curious what changed… And if his lips are better at jogging your memory than all the videos the Bureau has," she finishes with a mischievous smile.

"Are you sure you're my best friend?"

"Well you don't have to be mean about it," Christina says dramatically.

"Do we really have to talk about this?" Tris groans.

Christina smiles at her widely.

"What?"

"You didn't like talking about this stuff before, either."

Christina and Tobias are always so pleased when something like this happens, but it's a little unnerving for Tris. She doesn't want to disappoint them, and she thinks she's bound to once they realize it's not because she remembers anything. At the same time though, it's a comfort that no matter what damage the memory serum did, it didn't change who she is, or was, even if she doesn't always know herself.

"If I didn't like it before, why are you trying to drag it out of me now?"

"Because  _I am_  your best friend, which is why I know somewhere inside of you is a real girl who wants to get all swoony about her boyfriend even if I have to drag her, so spill."

"I don't remember anything," Tris says a little defensively. "It just… it feels  _familiar_ … that's the only way I can describe it."

"Well that's good," Christina says and then mercifully lets the subject drop as they join the queue in the dining hall.

"So where is Mister Tall Dark and Broody today?" she asks as they sit down.

"Meeting with someone from the city," Tris says, slathering her bagel with cream cheese. It's a little stale, leftover from breakfast, but it's one of the few things that taste good to Tris so she doesn't mind.

"That's disgusting, you know," Christina says when Tris layers sliced tomatoes and red peppers on top.

"So are the hardboiled eggs on your salad," Tris shoots back before digging in.

"Who's Tobias meeting with?"

"I think he said her name is Johanna."

Christina nods to herself. "Amity's leader - former leader, I guess," she amends. "Is she here to offer him a job?"

"He didn't say," Tris shrugs, and then immediately stiffens when she locks eyes with Caleb across the room and he starts making his way towards them. She tries to will him away, but he just keeps coming.

"Hi, Tris," he offers meekly.

"Caleb." She's been avoiding him because there's a certain amount of revulsion she feels just at the sight of him, and it's hard to hold a conversation with someone when all you want to ask is why they did what they did in the hopes of getting an answer that you actually believe.

"I'm surprised you're still here," he directs at Christina.

"I still have a few more hours," she says dismissively.

"Did you get your work assignment yet?" he asks politely.

"Housing department. You?"

"Medical research," he says a little proudly. "How about you, Tris?"

"Medical exemption, for now." Honestly, she has no idea what she wants to do, if she'll even have a choice in the matter.

Caleb visibly debates for a second before sitting down next to Tris. He looks so uncomfortable she wonders if he sat on a tack or something. "I was going to come see you later, but since you're here now I'll just… I, um, I got an apartment near the hospital - so I'm close to work, obviously -, and it's only one bedroom, but you can take the bedroom and I'll sleep on the couch," he says in a rush, his words stumbling over each other. "That way you can be close to the hospital too for your check-ups and physical therapy, and I can help you out until you're completely recovered; I know you're still having problems-"

"You'll be living with Four, won't you Tris?" Christina interrupts before he can stick his foot in his mouth even more.

"I don't know, we haven't talked about it," Tris says neutrally, but that's mostly for Caleb's benefit; the thought of living with Tobias makes something nervous squirm in Tris' stomach.

"I thought there was still some question about whether or not he was going back to Chicago."

"Where did you hear that?" Christina scoffs.

"Around," Caleb says at the same time Tris mutters, "Evelyn."

"Could you look at me please, Beatrice," Caleb huffs, annoyed.

Tris can't quite keep the scowl off her face as she turns to him. "That's who you heard it from, right?"

"Yes," he answers, clipped. "And she would know, wouldn't she? She's his mother, after all."

"Tobias isn't going anywhere Tris can't," Christina scoffs, and Tris is so thankful for her coming to her defense she wants to kiss her.

"I don't think it's appropriate for you to be living with him; you're not married," Caleb says patronizingly.

"I wasn't asking for your permission," Tris snaps at him before dropping the last few bites of her bagel and stalking away.

A minute after Christina catches up with her, so does Caleb. He grabs her wrist, and she wants to jerk it out of his grasp. "I'm sorry," he says desperately. "You're the only family I have left, and I don't want it to be this way."

"Why?"

"Because you're my sister, and I love you," he says, bewildered, like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Tris wouldn't be human if his words didn't soften her a little, but almost immediately she remembers how he watched so impassively as he was tortured, one canceling out the other.

"I'm just worried about you, okay? Tobias doesn't have the best track record, and if it comes down to you or Evelyn, I don't think he'll pick you."

"Caleb," Christina warningly.

"No, she needs to hear this too," he says determinedly.

"I already have heard it. From Tobias," Tris says coldly. That night - the first night he kisses her - he didn't stop playing show and tell until nearly sunrise, determined that she was going to know every detail of their relationship no matter how unpleasant.

"Then you need to hear it again," Caleb says. "The second you don't fall into line with whatever he wants, he turns on you; he did it when you rightfully warned him about allying with the Factionless, and he did it again, after Erudite, after he vowed to be your family, when you worked with Marcus. I know that I hurt you, that I did things that you can't forgive me for, but I'm still your brother and I still love you and I don't want to see you get hurt again. And you will, if you stay with him because she hasn't changed and neither has he."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Tris spits out.

" _It means_  that he seems willing to forgive her anything - everything - because she's his blood, and no matter what vow he made to you about being your family he hasn't treated you that way."

The longer he talks the more Tris wants to look away because his words hurt. They hurt worse than bullet wounds. But she seems hypnotized, her body ignoring what her brain is screaming at her, and simply staring fixedly as he tells her awful, painful things.

"It means all he wants, still, is one of his parents to be decent, to love him back and fix the broken things inside of him. It means he used you to fill that gap until Evelyn could, again."

"That's enough," Christina snaps. "You don't know what you're talking about." She grabs Tris roughly by the elbow and marches her away, throwing a withering glance over her shoulder that keeps Caleb from following them again.

The walk back to Tris' hospital room is quiet and tense. "You don't trust her either," Tris finally says.

"No, I don't."

"You said you don't trust Evelyn because no one changes that drastically, that quickly," Tris reminds her. "What's makes Tobias any different?"

"Because no matter what happens he always comes back to you, just like you come back to him. Even having your memory wiped wasn't enough to make you not love him," she says shortly, trying to pace off her annoyance with Caleb.

Tris sinks down on her bed sullenly. "I don't know if I love him, or if I will. Maybe Evelyn's right, maybe I should just let him go. Maybe I'm just being selfish," she says quietly because no matter what she feels when Tobias kisses her - and she feels a lot -, she still hurt him, and Evelyn is still just a mother looking out for her son no matter her flaws, Tris thinks.

"I've seen Tobias without you, Tris, and it's not pretty. But even if you don't love him, that's something between you and him, not you and him and his mother and your brother, or anyone else for that matter."

"Like you?" Tris says with a smirk.

Christina sighs deeply, deflating on the spot. "Nice to know you're still a smart ass. Are you going to be okay, or should I stick around and bad-mouth Evelyn for a while? That always cheers you up."

It's true, it does. The day after her confrontation with Evelyn, Tris was still so frustrated and upset that she confessed the whole thing to Christina who in turn told her every awful, duplicitous thing Evelyn had done during the war, from using Tobias to betraying Dauntless and getting Tori killed. And when you hate someone it's easy to take sick pleasure in that sort of thing, so it made Tris feel better, and gave her even more reasons to distrust Evelyn.

"Go. I know you have to pack. I'll just," Tris leaves off, pulling the tablet out from under the blankets.

"I'll be back to say goodbye," Christina promises before giving her a quick hug and walking out. Tris wishes there was a lock on the door; she wouldn't put it past Caleb - or Evelyn for that matter - confronting her again, and she just doesn't want to deal with that right now. The best she can do is close it, turn the lights off, and hope whoever just assumes she's asleep.

* * *

Excited. Exhilarated.  _Optimistic_. They're not words Tobias usually associates with himself, but right now they describe him perfectly. When Johanna turned up this afternoon he expected her to be bearing bad news; tales of fresh horrors happening in his hometown. Instead she told him about the changes planned, already taking place in some instances. People are starting to move in from the Fringe, but he already knew that. What he didn't know - the reason for Johanna's visit - is that a new government is being formed.

She's at the forefront of that, naturally given her standing among the Allegiant, but others are involved too. For the time being each of the former factions will provide a representative, and together they will decide how to address the most immediate problems. In the next few months there will be elections and the appointees will start to cycle out in place of elected representatives.

With Tori's death and his absence, Harrison has stepped up to be the representative from Dauntless, and Tobias can't help being grateful for that. He's not sure he trusts himself to lead, isn't sure if it's something he'll ever truly want. He does want to help though, and he can't think of a better way than being Johanna's assistant, not least of which because, though they share a similar history, they turned out to be vastly different people. It could be good for him, having someone around who understands what he went through, who can show him a path different from the dark, distrustful, violent one he's been walking down.

His mind is spinning with fresh plans and a future that looks nothing like the one he thought he'd face when they walked into the Bureau a month ago. As he makes his way towards the hospital wing his walk can only be described as jaunty. He's just figuring out the perfect way to tell Tris that Johanna's getting them a two bedroom apartment and she can have the biggest room with the biggest bed (that he secretly hopes will be 'theirs' instead of 'hers' before long) when Evelyn corners him and herds him into an empty room.

When she asks what Johanna wanted Tobias can't contain his enthusiasm. "To offer me a job," he says, smiling broadly, not even trying to hide the pride in his voice. He launches into an explanation that probably isn't very coherent, but the longer he talks the more Evelyn's face falls and eventually Tobias' voice peters out into a disappointed, "what's wrong?"

"Do you really think it's a good idea to go back to Chicago right now?" she questions, her voice belying nothing but mild curiosity.

"You obviously don't."

She's silent for a long moment, sizing him up. "No, I don't."

"Why not?"

"A lot of reasons," she says vaguely.

"Selfish reasons?" he asks. As much as there are things he hated about Abnegation he still judges people's actions on a scale of selfishness sometimes.

"Some of them," she shrugs.

"Most of them?"

"No." She walks over to the window, ghostly in the pale moonlight filtering through the grime. "It's a whole other world out there Tobias, don't you want to see it?"

"There's no reason I can't, I'm not stuck in Chicago."

"Like Tris?"

"Like we were with the factions," he corrects. "Just because I want to help rebuild our city, make it what it always could have been, doesn't mean I'll never venture outside the fence."

"So come with me," she offers enticingly.

"Or don't," she says when it becomes clear he's not going to say anything, just stare at her across the room appraisingly.

"Why are you pushing this?" he asks suspiciously.

It's her turn to clam up, and though she takes a deep breath and straightens her spine with resolve nothing comes of it, just more silence and Tobias is halfway to the door before she speaks again.

"I was eighteen - your age when I married Marcus," she says quietly. It's enough to stop him in his tracks, but she's still talking to his back. "I was young, and naive, and I loved him. I loved him so much, and I thought if I could just love him a little more he would change. I thought if I loved him more he would love me back the way I wanted him too. But he didn't. When I got pregnant with you, I thought that would be it, the golden ticket that changed everything. It wasn't. I don't regret it because I got you, and nothing can compare to the love a mother feels for her child."

Tobias rounds on her. "Then why did you leave me?"

" _Because I loved you_ ," she emphasizes "Because if I had taken you with me then you would have been an outcast, you would have suffered and starved and died like so many Factionless children. The only kindness we received from the factions then was an endless supply of condoms so we didn't breed."

"It wasn't because you were in love?" Tobias hates the wavering note of uncertainty his voice holds as he asks her.

"Don't bring Dylan into this," she says harshly.

"You did love him though."

"He loved me back the way I always wanted to be loved," she says, rubbing distractedly at the tattoo on her ring finger. "It was a powerful aphrodisiac."

"What happened to him?" Tobias asks because he's always been curious and it's never really come up before.

"He died. Pneumonia. Almost two years ago now."

He would feel bad for her, but he's too busy doing mental math. "So right around the time you decided to contact me then?"

"Whatever you're thinking, it wasn't like that."

"So it wasn't because you needed someone to love you in his absence?" he asks, and it frightens him how much he understands that need.

"We all want to be loved. From the moment we're born that's all we want. First by our parents, and then our friends, and then our lovers, and eventually, yes, our children."

"I know," he says, his voice hard.

"You never stop being a parent," she says contemplatively. "There were so many nights, hollow, freezing nights where the only thought that kept me warm was that your life was better because I wasn't in it. I know now that I was wrong, but at the time it was the only comforting thing I had. I couldn't protect you then, even if I had stayed I wouldn't have been able to, but I want to protect you now."

"You need to stop confusing your relationship with Marcus with my relationship with Tris," he says flatly because, God, it's all he wanted growing up, but because of her he had to learn to safeguard his heart all on his own at too tender an age.

"I'm not confusing them, I'm just looking at it from a different perspective. You can't see the similarities because you're so close to it, but I see them. And it frightens me," she adds. "That memory serum doesn't change who you are, not deep down; just look at Peter, he's already turning into a bully. Tris didn't love you before, not the way you love her, and she won't this time around."

"Her parent's deaths… killing Will… it broke something in her," he says, explaining not excusing. "But she doesn't remember that anymore."

"And Marcus' dad beat him too, but with enough love he won't be a monster," she says archly. "Pain and loss and war don't change people, it reveals them."

"Then what does it say about you and me? That we're good at running away?"

"That we're survivors. That no matter what life throws at us we'll get up and dust ourselves off and try again," she replies, her voice roiling with heat and determination.

"What does it say that you were going to release the Death Serum rather than let the Allegiant succeed as long as Marcus was involved?" he challenges.

"What does it say about me that I gave everything up for you?" she challenges back.

He's unpleasantly reminded of a conversation in a tiny stairwell what feels like a lifetime ago about canceling debts and settling balances. "I don't want to live my life like this. The past is the past and I'm done living in it. Chicago is my future-"

"You mean Tris is your future," Evelyn scoffs.

"She can be, if that's what she wants, the same as you. But I told you already, not now, not soon, but someday. Because I need time, and I need distance because I love you, but I hate you and I'm scared of you too and those are things I have to reconcile on my own."

She looks like she's going to cry and Tobias wants to stuff the words back in his mouth, wants to get down on his knees and ask her how much she loves him and feel like a little boy again instead of a man who resents his mother.

"I appreciate everything you've done for me, but I don't owe you for it."

Evelyn stares at him and he stares at her and it's like looking in a mirror, all the pain and betrayal and anger he felt after her 'death' reflected back at him. "You're wrong about her. She won't choose you when the time the comes." She says it with so much jealousy it makes her sound like a rival. "What does it look like, your life with her? What do you have to do to get her to love you back the way you love her?"

He has to force himself from the room so he doesn't scream at her to shut up and stop putting poisonous ideas in his head and _I already chose you when I came to you that night with the serum_.

xxxx

The one person who could soothe Tobias after his fight with Evelyn is Tris, and contrarily, that's the last person he wants right now. And the more he thinks on the reasons for why that is, the more muddled they become in his mind. Really, it comes to down to feeling like this anger is his own, and still, perversely, wanting to protect Evelyn.

He walks the nearly deserted corridors of the Bureau, trying to do anything but think of the things his mother said and doing nothing but that, until he runs into Cara, at least. "I've been looking all over for you!" she says, exasperated.

"Ah… Shit," Tobias says, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry."

"You mean,  _Sorry I completely forgot we were supposed to tell Tris about Will today_?" Her tone is mostly bemused, but a little bitter too, like she thinks it slipped his mind because it's unimportant.

"Yeah. Is Christina still here?"

Cara shakes her head. "She wanted to stay. I had to physically shove her on the bus with Zeke and Hana."

Tobias thinks her time would be best served helping her friend who is still very much alive, but considering he's the reason Uriah's dead he keeps his mouth shut. It must still register on his face though, because Cara says, "she needs to be there for them right now. And for herself," quietly, as they make their way towards the hospital.

"I guess," Tobias says noncommittally.

"I won't pretend to know what happened between her and Uriah - Chris and I avoided the subject -, but he was important to her, and she needs to say goodbye."

"And this time at least she can?" Tobias says, his voice hard. He knows he's needling her and she doesn't deserve it, but if she's feeling bitter it's better Cara take it out on him now, rather than Tris later.

Cara sighs like a put-upon parent. "Stop that," she chastises. "We're telling her, that's all I want. I'm not going to punish her for it; I didn't before. In case you don't remember, it wasn't Evelyn's people that got you two out of Erudite, it was me and Peter."

Instead of apologizing like he knows he should, he asks how the little psycho is doing.

"It's fascinating, his personality," she says with enthusiasm before launching into a monologue on the human brain and how a brain devoid of any memories, any "nurture", produces the same kind of personality traits.

"So what you're saying is Peter just needed some happy pills and not memory serum to cure his asshole tendencies?" Tobias guffaws.

"Well, you're grossly oversimplifying it," Cara snaps, offended by his lack of intellectual curiosity on the subject considering Tris is in the same boat.

"Give me a minute," Tobias says once they get to Tris' door. It's closed, which is odd, and he hopes he doesn't have to wake her up so they can do this. She is huddled on her side under the blanket when he walks in, but as soon as he rounds the bed he can see she's awake; eyes heavy and bloodshot, but awake. "Hey," he says softly, sitting down so that he's on her level. "Are you okay?"

"Fine, just staring at the tablet all day, watching videos," she says rubbing at her eyes. "I think I'm going blind."

He swallows thickly for a moment because what if she found The Video? But he reasons she probably would have asked him why he didn't tell her she killed someone right off. "You know, when you lose one of your senses it's supposed to heighten the others," he jokes after a moment.

"Maybe that's why people close their eyes when they kiss; feels better," she says cheekily.

"I think I'm offended by that."

She smirks at him, but doesn't take the bait. "How was your meeting?"

"Good. I have a job now."

"We should celebrate," she says, reaching out to run a finger down his stubbly chin, pulling him closer. Her mind might not remember him, but her body does and since their second first kiss there have been plenty more. But even when they're not kissing, their bodies seem to be drawn together, regardless.

"We will, when we get back to the city. Besides, I don't think you're supposed to mix alcohol and painkillers."

"Okay," she hums.

"Cara is here to see you," Tobias murmurs, not missing how the longer they talk the closer and quieter and more intimate they become. "There's something she wants to tell you about, something from the past."

"That doesn't sound good," Tris frowns.

"It's not. But it's better that you hear it from her, now."

"That bad, huh?" Tris says nervously.

"Yeah," he breathes out, inching closer. "I'll be right here though."

Tris' eyes are shrouded in apprehension, but there's something softer underneath it and it takes Tobias a moment to realize it's trust. He tries to keep his eyes open as he kisses her just to prove her wrong, but it's impossible. It is possible though to get lost in the soft push-pull of their kiss, in the way Tris' palm cradles his cheek and her fingers sink into his hair to hold him to her, at least for a minute.

"It will be okay," he promises, pressing his lips to the space between her brows before pushing himself up to call Cara in.

Tris situates herself so that she's sitting up in bed, Tobias next to her with his arm around her shoulders, and Cara in the chair on the opposite side. For as composed as Cara looks it still takes her several false starts to get the story out. She starts with the worst of it, like getting it out quick will make it hurt less. She tells Tris she killed Will, emphasizing that she did it because she had no choice and if she hadn't shot first she would have been the one dead on the pavement.

Though Tris' expression remains inscrutable, Tobias can feel her heart beating faster, her breath coming quicker; the first signs of panic. But she holds it together, sagging only a little when he pulls her closer, hoping to lend her some strength.

Cara keeps talking, telling Tris funny stories from when Will was a kid, like how he spent a day figuring out if you would get 'more doughnut per doughnut' in a box of a dozen if they were square instead of round. Tobias knows she's trying to personalize it so Tris understands the loss, but he can't help feeling it's somehow therapeutic for Cara, sharing her brother's memory like this.

Since Will didn't particularly distinguish himself at school, the first video that Cara can show Tris of any interest is Choosing Day. It doesn't take Tris long to cotton onto the fact that her and Christina were close friends with Will; even less time to notice how things developed between the latter. The longer this goes on the paler and clammier Tris looks, but she doesn't say much of anything until Cara stops the video at Will trooping onto the trains with the rest of the drones; an oddly anti-climactic end to the story.

"They - the traitor Dauntless - found his body in the morning between two abandoned warehouses," Cara says sadly. "He's in a mass grave with the Abnegation that were murdered that night."

"He died in the Abnegation part of the city?" Tris asks shakily.

"Yes," Cara answers, bewildered because she thought she made that part clear enough.

"So there's a video of it?" she asks so quickly she practically runs over Cara's answer. "I want to see it."

"Tris, you killed him, we know-"

"I want to see it!" Tris demands, hysterical.

Grudgingly, Tobias motions for the tablet and Cara hands it to him. He brings up the raw footage of Tris' escape, the one that shows everything from her mother shooting her way in to the Abnegation meeting hall to Tris disappearing inside the tumbledown building where her father was, and not the one that was edited to only run up to Natalie's death.

Tobias starts the video there because he wants Tris to understand how dangerous is was that night on those streets. He plans to tell her how she struggled with the guilt of killing Will, to show her the video of her confession under the truth serum to prove it, but he never gets the chance. After she watches her friends blood and brain matter and bits of skull blossom out the back of his head and paint the pavement she kicks the blankets away and practically falls over Cara on her way to the bathroom.

Tobias is only a step behind her, close enough to roughly pull back her hair as she retches into the sink, not able to make it to the toilet. "I didn't think you were lying," she pants, slumping against the counter once her stomach is empty. "I just needed to see it."

Cara looks so lost and horrified, standing in the doorway wide-eyed like she doesn't know what else to do, that Tobias tells her to get out with a glare and a toss of his head. Once Tris rinses out her mouth she puddles down onto the floor, Tobias with her, pulling her legs over his lap and wrapping her up, just like in the train that night as they fled to Amity with Caleb and Marcus and Peter.

She's shaking like a leaf and her clothes are damp with sweat, but she's doesn't cry, just tucks her face into Tobias neck like she wants to disappear inside of him. "Talk to me," Tobias whispers when he can't stand her silence anymore.

"I don't know what to say," she mumbles.

"What do you feel?" Tobias asks, realizing as soon as the words are out of his mouth it's probably the one question he's never asked her before.

"Like a bad person," she whispers, small and childlike.

"You did what you had to do to survive. That doesn't make you a bad person," he says firmly. "Not all of us can say the same."

"It's not because of that," she says haltingly, but it seems like once those words are out, it pops the cork on all the rest roiling inside of her. She tells him it was horrible watching Will die, worse still because she was the one who pulled the trigger, but it's not that, that bothers her the most. What bothers her the most is that the grief and shock and horror of it is like an echo, something she's disconnected from, just like the death of her parents because she doesn't know these people anymore; they're just strangers that she knows things about. And she feels like she doesn't deserve Christina and Cara's forgiveness because of that.

He listens because she needs it, holds tight her for the same reason. The bathroom floor is cold and uncomfortable and not a place meant for confessions, but neither of them try to get up. His fingers idly trace up and down her arm, and as she talks he can't help musing on the idea that it's not that they're not very nice that has always drawn them together, but that they've always been broken in the same ways even if it's for different reasons.

And he tells her this, about them both leaving Abnegation and struggling with the things their parents instilled in them; the nature of sacrifice, the tendency towards distrust and violence, what it means to be selfless. They've both killed people they love, been tortured by it; Tobias hopes someday Zeke will forgive him someday the way Christina and Cara have forgiven Tris. They've both been betrayed by their family and struggled to forgive when the tables are turned.

"Do you think I should forgive Caleb?"

"You did before," is all he says.

"Why?" Tris shakes her head, trying to rearrange her thoughts. "I mean, how?"

"It didn't happen all at once. It took time; long enough for you to forget the bad memories and remember the good ones."

"Is that why you forgave Evelyn?"

He hesitates because what's he supposed to say? He loves his mother but he picked her because she is the lesser of two evils?

"He wants me to move in with him," Tris says to fill the silence. "We fought about it today."

"Because you don't want to?" Tobias asks, his heart in his throat.

"That's part of it," she says evasively.

"What's the other part?"

Tris tips back in his arms, staring up at him, deciding how much of the truth to give him. "He thinks you'll leave me," she finally says.

Tobias sighs harshly and tugs her so she's close to him again. He'd say that he won't, but the thing is, he and Tris  _are_  alike, and he worries about her leaving him probably as much as she worries about him leaving her, and there isn't much either can say to change that. There are things they can do though.

"You don't have to live with anyone if you don't want to. You still have your parents house. But that job I got with Johanna? She's getting me an apartment. With two bedrooms. One for each of us, if that's something you want." Tobias hasn't been this nervous since Choosing Day because he wants Tris to live with him, but what he really wants, is for her to want it too.

"Did we live together before?"

"No. We never got the chance to," he answers honestly.

"Have you ever lived with anyone before?"

"About twenty people when I was going through initiation," he jokes weakly.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," Tris says, smacking his chest in reprimand.

"I've never lived with anyone." Tobias grabs her hand and brings it to his lips. "Too much?" he asks, crestfallen when she pulls it away.

"No… I just… I don't want you staying in Chicago because I can't leave it, and… I don't know what your expectations are," she says meekly. Tobias gives her the same smile that Christina did earlier, the one that lets her know she's mimicking her older self without realizing it. "And I don't want you to want me because you want someone else back," Tris snaps.

"I'm staying because I want to make a difference. I don't have any expectations other than having someone eat dinner with every night," he says, pulling her back little by little with each statement. "And I don't want you because I want someone else back." He brushes his lips against hers. "But you should be careful with the kissing, because you're definitely making me fall for you."

She'd like to say something pessimistically realistic, but the only thing she can come up with is that it's not much of a fall for him and that's just cliche. So she kisses him instead.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> his chapter is a little light word-count wise, but I feel like death warmed up (with a 102 degree fever) and after all the sh*t that's kept me from updating this the last few months, I'm just done worrying about whether or not it's perfect (it's not, trust me). So, chapter 6. I'm going to go crawl back under the blankets now...

"We need to get the fuck out of here," Tobias says. Tris can feel his words rumble against her cheek and whisper through her hair, and she still tips her head back to look him in the eye, unsure if she's heard him correctly.

"What,  _now_?" she asks incredulously.

"Yes, now. Nothing good can come with us staying here. It's been one disaster after another since we arrived."

"They're not just going to let me walk out of here, Tobias. And where would we even go? Johanna left, like, four hours ago; there's no way she has an apartment for us already."

"Fuck it, we'll figure something out."

"You've got a potty mouth when you're angry." If it was supposed to be an admonishment it's made completely irrelevant by the way she plants a kiss on his neck afterwards.

The bathroom floor can't be comfortable for either of them, and Tobias is pretty sure his ass is asleep, but either way he pulls Tris closer, tucking her against himself and threading his fingers through her hair. "Are you… do you feel strong enough to leave?"

Tris wiggles around a little, looking for things that twinge and ache. "Hmm… ribs are still sore from whatever Caleb did to me, and my wounds are still healing," she says contemplatively. "I don't think I'll be up for jumping onto trains anytime soon, but as long as we're not walking back to Chicago, I think I'll be okay. We're not walking back, are we?" she asks very seriously.

"Smartass."

"Are we really going to do this?" The nervousness in Tris' voice is unmistakable, but the fact that she's trusting him and not outright saying 'no', is something, he thinks.

"We can try."

" _How_  are we going to do this?"

"Like you said, we'll just walk out," he says like it will actually be that simple. "Do you have something to wear other than scrubs?" he asks, plucking at them with his fingers as the bare-bones of a plan formulate in his head.

"Yeah, Christina gave me a bunch of clothes before she left."

"Why am I not surprised?" Tobias mutters as he rises to his feet, bringing Tris with him. Tris sways a little once she's upright and both grimace and groan at the aches borne of sitting on the bathroom floor for too long. "Can you change into some street clothes and get all your stuff together before I get back?"

"Where are you going?"

"To ask for help." And Tobias really hates that, but right now there's no way to avoid it.

"Sure," Tris shrugs. Tobias leans in for a kiss and she slaps her hand over her mouth, mumbling from behind it that, "you don't want to kiss me until I've brushed my teeth."

xxxx

Amar's eyes are heavy and his hair is tousled when he leans out the door like a drunk to answer Tobias' insistent knocking. "What?" he slurs sleepily.

"I need you to take me back to Chicago. Tonight. Right now."

Amar rubs at his face, hoping to wake up a little before grabbing Tobias by the arm and dragging him through the darkened apartment to the window. "There's a blizzard coming in," he says, pointing to the snow blowing outside. "Why do you think everyone left yesterday?"

"It's not that bad," Tobias says dismissively. "They run the trains through worse than this."

"It's a two hour drive back to the city. In good weather," Amar says flatly. "This is only going to get worse. We could get stranded out there. I don't know about you, but freezing to death isn't how I want to go out."

Tobias could emotionally blackmail Amar, reminding him of how angry and grief stricken he was after his mentor's 'death', and that Amar  _owes_  him this, but he really doesn't like what that says about him, so instead he says, "You can drive me, or I'll just steal one of the Bureau's trucks. Your choice."

"Why would you tell me you're going to steal a truck?"

"Because we're friends. I'm not just going to take it like some criminal." He can't keep the smirk off his face though, and a minute later Amar starts laughing.

"We need to get out of here," Tobias sighs once their moment of humor has passed.

"Where are you going to go? Back to the Pire?"

Tobias shakes his head. "I don't want to go back there. Ever."

"You're going to have to see Zeke again. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday soon."

"I know, but that's not what I'm thinking about right now."

"So what are you thinking about?"

"Tris. We need to go someplace she can heal. Someplace where she's not constantly assaulted by other people's memories of her. It just makes her sicker," he says, thinking about her reaction to what Cara shared with her earlier. "That's not going to be the Pire. It's not going to be Abnegation either, though," he frowns. "I don't know where to take her, exactly; right now it's just anywhere that isn't here, I guess."

"I might know of a place, a Bureau safe house in the city. If we can get there before this," he nods towards the window, "blows in you'll have a few days peace, at least."

"So, are you going to drive us, or am I going to have to steal that truck?"

xxxx

Tris is sitting on her hospital bed, chewing her nails when Tobias gets back. And for a second he just looks at her, from the top of her blonde head to the grey sweater dress she's wearing, down her black leggings, to the black suede boots encasing her from knees to toes. "Are you going to be warm enough in that?" he asks, though it's not what he meant to say.

"It's fleece-lined," she says, pulling down the neckline of her dress to show him the undershirt that matches her leggings. "And it won't hurt my wounds," she says, touching her abdomen lightly. Still, he's glad of the wool coat he helps her into, and the gloves and knit hat she tugs on.

"Tobias, are okay leaving like this? I mean, everything with Evelyn…," Tris asks, peering up at him solicitously.

"No. I don't know. I don't really want to think about any of that right now," he sighs, shoulders slumping a little under the weight of things no one his age should carry. "I just know we can't stay here."

"Alright," Tris concedes.

He takes her hand and her bag - which he's pretty sure is full of more clothes she ever owned in her life, thanks to Christina -, and leads her out. Nervousness thrums through his veins and twists uncomfortably in his stomach, but when they reach the end of the hallway and the nurses station there's no one there but Amar.

"Where is everyone?" he asks.

"Never underestimate the power of bullshit," Amar quips. Tobias knows all about that; it's how he liberated Caleb what feels like a lifetime ago.

Amar leads them through shadowed hallways to a side door. The wind bites at their faces immediately. It's only twenty feet to the truck, but the storm makes it feels like more. They all breathe a sigh of relief when they clamber inside and the truck rumbles to life, lights cutting through the scrum of snow, heat pouring out the vents. Tris nestles against Tobias, and by the time they reach the train tracks she's asleep; it's not like the view is worth staying awake for.

There's a computer screen built into the dashboard that displays a map and and a red dot to represent them as they move across it; Tobias wonders if they could drive by it alone as the weather worsens and the visibility deteriorates. There are long seconds where it's a complete white-out, where the headlights illuminate nothing but snow, and it's very slow going. By the time they make it to the fence, those seconds have turned into heart-pounding, white-knuckle minutes.

"Still think it was a good idea to leave tonight?"

"Yes," Tobias grits out, jaw clenched in irritation. "Nothing good can come of us staying there. We should never have gone there in the first place. If we hadn't Tori would still be alive, Uriah and everyone else killed in the bombing would still be alive, and I'd still have Tris."

"You do still have Tris," Amar points out.

Tobias pinches his lips shut because he does and he doesn't.

"And you and Tris saved all these people," he says, motioning out the window, but where there should be a cityscape there's just white. "That's not nothing."

"It didn't save her," Tobias says very quietly.

"Would you trade the lives of all these people for just one?"

"Yes." The word flies out of Tobias' mouth before he can really think about it, but that's usually the way it is with absolute honesty; just a little slip of the tongue that reveals someone in an instant of unguarded truth. "And you were happy to go along with the Bureau's bullshit as long as the people  _you_  cared about were safe," Tobias adds scathingly. "I guess it's naive to expect the scientists to care about the lab rats though."

A tense and uncomfortable silence settles over them, broken only by Tris making little sounds in her sleep. "We're here," Amar eventually says, his voice terse.

All Tobias can make out through the window are flashes of pale stone and ruddy brick. They pull into some sort of garage and Tobias is surprised to see George waiting for them. He quirks an eyebrow at Amar in question.

"He was at the Pire, going through Tori's stuff," Amar murmurs secretively. It doesn't really explain what he's doing  _here_ , but Tobias doesn't push the issue either.

Once they get Tris awake and grab their bags George leads them inside. They enter a large, empty room, their footsteps echoing on the flagstone floor, bouncing off the walls and evaporating like smoke around the wrought-iron chandelier glowing dimly from the vaulted ceiling. The building is old, ancient really, but mortar and stone and good care at the hands of Bureau have kept it standing for probably close to two centuries.

Despite having been up for almost twenty-four hours Tobias can't help feeling a rush of something that could almost be described as happiness. He and Tris are finally, safely, away. He clutches at her hand fiercely, tugging her up the grand staircase in George and Amar's wake to a balustraded landing made for dramatic entrances that spans the width of the room. "You're in the apartment to the left, we're on the right," George says crisply, pointing to the doors on either side of it. "They're laid out the same: living room and kitchen downstairs, bedroom and bathroom upstairs."

"Thank you," Tris says fervently, sincerely, when Tobias finds himself tongue-tied and uncertain of how to reconcile his gratitude and his lingering irritation with Amar after their argument on the way here. If Amar's still angry he doesn't show it, just waves them off goodnaturedly and follow after George.

Tobias doesn't know what he's expecting the apartment to look like - maybe the same impersonal spaces the Bureau is made up of -, but when the door swings open under Tris' hand, a small, disbelieving noise escapes his throat. And for a second, they both just stand there on the threshold, staring.

There's a narrow set of stairs leading up to the second floor to the immediate right of the door, but they ignore them for now. Instead they lurch into the living room, excitement replacing disbelief with every step because for the first time they're really, truly, alone, and it's every teenagers dream come true: space and privacy and the object of your affection there to share it with.

Tobias has been so, so careful with Tris, letting her lead him, touching her only a fraction of the amount he wants to, but he can't help himself when they get to kitchen. He traps her between his body and sink and kisses her hungrily. And she lets him, encourages him with the sweet, wet tip of her tongue teasing the seam of his lips. But the painful squeak she makes when he pushes more insistently against her reminds him that he needs to be careful, and he draws back, resting his forehead against her and breathing heavy and trying to get a grip because stopping isn't what he wants to do.

"This is so much nice than I expected," Tris whispers, and he's not sure if she means them together or the apartment.

"I know," he says, not knowing which he means either.

They spend an hour rummaging through the cabinets, raiding the pantry for anything tasty, and figuring out the pellet stove that has been fitted into the original fireplace, and that must heat the downstairs before they venture upstairs.

There's a large bathroom, all green tile and brass fixtures that they only peek their heads into before lighting upon a spacious bedroom. There's one full size bed pushed under a row of small, high windows, another fireplace burning brightly across from it.

"You should try to get some sleep," Tobias says awkwardly, suddenly aware that there's a bed and girl and maybe certain implications floating around both their heads. "You've been up as long as me and you need to rest."

"So do you," Tris mumbles, but tugs something to sleep in from the massive dufflebag of clothes Christina dropped off before she left, and disappears into the bathroom.

Tobias busies himself with looking through the closet, hoping to find extra blankets and pillows so he can take the couch when Tris wanders back in.

"What are you doing?" Tris asks as she climbs under the covers. He stops his movements and looks over his shoulder at her uncertainly. "Get in bed, Tobias," she says, sleepy and exasperated.

"Are you sure? We don't have to share… anything," he finishes, lamely.

"You won't hurt me." He's not sure if she means because of her injuries or if it's her old fear of intimacy picking somewhere at the back of her brain. Either way he watches her narrowly as he toes off his shoes, and crawls in slowly, so slowly, like she will change her mind and bolt if he moves too quick.

But she doesn't. She just sighs a little once he's under the covers too, a clear foot of space between them as they lay facing each other. "Sleep," she sighs, her hand seeking out his.

* * *

The first time Tobias wakes up he's disoriented. He's in a strange place, in a strange bed, and he thinks of a hundred places he doesn't want to be before his eyes reel around to Tris and he realizes where he actually is. Last night comes back to him, dream like and soft around the edges, and it's hard to think he's lost her with her head resting against his shoulder and her soft breathes dampening his shirt.

xxxx

The second time Tobias wakes up he and Tris are braided together: arms around each other, her leg between both of his, his face buried in the mussed up hair on the crown of her head. A wave of deja vu sweeps over him, making the world rock and sway under him for a moment because this is how they woke up, that last morning.

 _Familiar_. That's what Tris says it feels like to kiss him, to touch him. He thinks he finally knows what she means.

It's hard to believe that Tris was shot two weeks ago. That number seems too small. Fourteen days. Three hundred hours. Twenty thousand seconds. A lifetime. They were different people in a different world, and there is an ocean of time between then and now, but this - Tris in his arms -, this still feels  _familiar_.

As much as his body resists leaving the soft warmth of hers, he rolls away because if he stays he's going to have a real problem; he doesn't think Tris wants to wake up with his dick hard against her thigh, like a divining rod seeking out the wet space between her legs. He needs a distraction so he creeps downstairs, cursing each creaking floorboard, but breathes a little easier when it gets to the kitchen without waking Tris.

It's small and simple, but functional. There's a stove against one wall, a sink surrounded by cabinets against another, and open shelves against a third. He leans over the stove to tap on the window above it, confirming his assumption that the glass is the same kind the Pire is made out of; strong enough to stop a bullet and though he can see out, no one can see in.

Not that, that matters much with the storm raging on the other side. It has only grown in intensity since they arrived, and it's a complete white-out now. But with strong walls and thick windows between it and him, he doesn't worry about it. If anything it's a gift, insulating them against whatever might follow them from the Bureau.

He wanders into the living room. There's are built-in shelves on either end of the alcove where the couch has been tucked away and Tobias is just pulling down a few dusty, forgotten books when he hears Tris coming down the stairs. She's still rubbing sleep out of her eyes when he meets her at the foot of the stairs, but he can't remember the last time they looked so untroubled.

"How are you feeling?" he asks, tucking an errant strand of hair behind her ear.

"Hungry," she answers, smirking a little.

Tobias leans down, pressing a quick kiss to her lips that leaves her cheeks a little pink before he leads her into the kitchen. To Tobias' surprise, Tris starts collecting ingredients without batting an eye. She's got a box of powdered milk, a bottle of honey, and a jar of oatmeal in her arms before he asks her what she's doing.

"Making breakfast."

" _How?_ "

"I don't know," she frowns, as if realizing what she's doing for the first time.

"Keep going," Tobias gently urges her, hanging back to see what happens.

She's nervous now, stiff, like his watchful eyes are resting between her shoulder blades, weighing her down. He leans against the counter and bites his tongue when she seems unsure of exactly how much water to add to the pot she's cooking it all up in. A minute's debate later and she figures it out on her own.

"This is weird," Tris murmurs, spoon dragging lazy circles through the pot she's got bubbling on the stove now. "It's like I can remember making this before - I  _know_  I've made this before -, but I can't picture  _when_  I made it before, if that makes any sense."

As much as Tobias wants this to mean something, he knows it's probably doesn't. "Is it that different from things feeling 'familiar' with me though?"

Tris brow furrows in concentration. "Kind of? It's not… when I meet someone it's not like I know them and can't place them," she struggles to explain. "You feel familiar, and Christina… I understand how we could be friends. This is different, stronger, like deja vu."

"You woke up knowing how to talk. Feeding yourself, dressing yourself… those are essential survival skills," Tobias says contemplatively as he reaches for some bowls. "Just logistically, it would be impossible to build people from the ground up like that in a city the size of Chicago if you've only got a few hours to implant memories after the serum takes effect."

"You'd think if their technology is so advanced that they make a serum that works that way - that only affects certain things -, that they could fix everyone's genes," Tris says ruefully.

"No, you'd think if they could fuck them up in the first place they'd be able to fix them the same way. That's never made sense to me; makes me wonder who has a vested interest in keeping some people 'damaged'."

"Why though?"

"I don't know," Tobias shrugs. "It just seems like bullshit that they could change people's genetics to make certain personality traits dominant, but not reverse it when their little experiment went haywire."

Tris splits the oatmeal between the bowls, takes a bite, and sets it back down again. She rummages around the shelf for a moment before coming away with a jar full of dried apricots. After methodically tearing several apart and mixing them into her oatmeal she takes another bite, a hint of a smile playing on her lips after she swallows. "Want some?" she asks, offering Tobias the jar.

"No," he says, disgusted. "Once, when I was a kid, I ate a whole bag of apricots. I got so sick I haven't been able to look at them since, let alone eat them."

"So what kind of fruit do you like?"

"Apples. But this is good too, oatmeal with milk and honey."

They bypass the kitchen table and head the living room. "Where's that go?" Tris asks, pointing towards a framed glass door in one corner of the room with her spoon as she sits down on the couch.

"I don't know." Tobias cups his hands and peers through the glass, but it's so dark on the other side he can't see much. "A balcony maybe?" he says, trying the handle. He's unsurprised to find it locked, and though the pad of his finger slides over the grooved slot where a key goes he knows he'll never get it open without one. "Whatever it is they've got it boarded up."

His eyes wander around the room as they eat. The Bureau was all glass and steel and impersonal open space. Here, instead of glass walls there's plaster turned a creamy buttermilk yellow with age. The dull lustre of wood paneling reaches just far enough up the wall to prevent any damage from a chair pushed back too violently, and the box beam ceiling doesn't make it feel claustrophobic, just comfortably close. It feels like a home, Tobias thinks; maybe not his or theirs, but someone's.

xxxx

Somehow Tris and Tobias end up on the living room floor. Mostly it's a combination of Tris being tired and cold, and the bed being so far away and the spot in front of the fireplace being so enticing on a stormy day. They curl together, lover-like, and Tobias remembers another nest of blankets and whispered wishes about being alone.

There are two cups of tea sitting on the hearth, completely forgotten because he's too busy mapping her features with his lips and she's too busy letting him. He kisses the space between her brows, the fragile, silky skin of her eyelids, the curve of her each cheekbone, and the tip of her nose. When his lips finally make it to hers, she meets him, kissing him back lazily. It's sleepy and slow and tender, unguarded and heedless of their past or their future, done for the pure pleasure of the thing itself.

"We've never been able to do this," he comments, thumb caressing her cheek before he presses another little peck to her lips.

"No?"

"There wasn't much chance in the fog of war for something this normal."

"That's a shame," she says flippantly, teasingly, but it grates across his nerves unexpectedly. That morning - the last morning she was herself - she promised him 'normal', promised him a future full of it. And then walked right into death's waiting arms like his didn't exist.

He tries to push the thoughts away, but he's been doing that for too long, and they hit him swift and hard now, without the distraction of Tris fighting for her life, and him fighting for her memory; The Bureau, Evelyn, Caleb, all of it.

Tris shifts a little, pressing more insistently against him, but he slips out from under her, ignoring her confused and wounded expression. He stalks down the hall, teeth clenched, to the kitchen. He presses his fingers so hard into the ktichen sink they throb and ache and turn white, and he tries to remind himself that Tris isn't  _that_  girl anymore. There are sick parts of him that are glad of it, that hope those parts - unlike Peter's less than savory characteristics - don't come back.

"I don't remember any of… whatever has you in here doing this," Tris voice cuts in as he glares out the window, furious with himself and her.

"I do," he says, still refusing to meet her eyes.

"Do you want me to remember just so you can punish me?" Tris snaps.

He doesn't say anything because he does, part of him anyway; the same part that hopes the memory serum took away her fatal, pathological need for self-sacrifice. But that part wants to grab her and shake her and demand  _why, damn it, why!?_  too, and he's been ignoring it for weeks, stuffing it down only to have it explode out at the worst time.

"No," he finally says. "I want you to love me." Because really that's what this all boils down to.

"I want you to love me too," Tris says quietly. "Not someone I don't remember how to be."

When he looks up, she's gone. 


End file.
